the Airport frenzy

I remember the good ole days when you arrived at the airport 15 minutes till your flight and ran up, bought a ticket and then ran to the terminal and got on the plane. No more! I took my father-in-law to the airport one hour and fifteen minutes before his flight and he nearly missed the flight due to the lines to be searched. Security is never convenient.

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Allegedly a true story from the old airport in Denver: a major airline had cancelled a very busy flight and a lone check-in agent is busy trying to sort out all the displaced passengers. A very angry and aggressive man barges his way to the front of the queue to confront her. He says says that he is flying first class and demands to go on the flight.

The agent politely explains the situation and asks that people take their place in the queue.

The man bellows at her, “Do you know who I am?” – at which the agent calmly picks up the microphone for the PA system, and announces to the airport,

“This is (airline name) desk 64; we have a gentleman here who does not know who he is. If anyone can come and identify him please do so.”

The man, now purple with rage, yells at her, “Well f**k you..” – to

which the agent replies, “And you’ll have to stand in line for that as well, Sir..”

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According to “The Australian,” an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight.

The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign.

The vibration stopped immediately.

A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.

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The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.

Speedbird 206: “Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active.”

Ground: “Good Morning, taxi to your gate.” The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”

Speedbird 206: “Stand by, ground, I’m looking up the gate location now.”

Ground (impatiently): “Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?”

Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, in 1944. But I didn’t stop”.

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Have a nice flight

(~_~)

beaver butt vanilla ice cream?

So, I was watching David Letterman last night because Jamie Oliver was on. I adore him…in a innocent non-stalking kind of way. He is very much to the point, has an interest in making the world a better place AND he is a darn good chef.

He was talking about why knowing about the food you eat is important..and then he dropped the bomb….Food additives in vanilla ice cream… So what? We all know we eat additives, right? Why research them? The FDA approved them, right?

Well..the next few words caused me to pause mid chew. Yes. Mid chew.

“Did you know that there are beaver’s anal glands in vanilla ice cream?” Jamie asked with a smirk. A very smirky smirk.

I thought it was a joke. Turns out? It’s not. Apparently someone decided that beaver anal glands enhanced sweets, including vanilla ice cream and many raspberry products. The substance can be found on your ice cream as castoreum; if it is in a small enough amount it does not have to be listed.

Have a little Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla, folks……

Beaver’s butt might be bad enough but you regularly, happily eat other stuff that is as bad or worse. And with the sketchy disclosure and label laws you don’t have to be told.

more…

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(my questions begins with …who tried beaver anal glands as a food and found it helped their food taste better? How did the FDA think it was okay to use this product without regulating a rule that it should be listed on the ingredients? And… what about the chocolate ice cream? (do I really want to know?))

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This is a beaver’s anal gland. It is the source of Beaver Butt Juice, officially called Castoreum, used in foods, cigarettes, perfumes, chewing gum.

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Beaver Butt Juice is officially called Castoreum. Look for it under “Natural Flavor” in your favorite food that the FDA (21 CFR 182.50) places “No Restrictions” on since it is GRAS.  See if you recognize these sources:

  • Alcoholic & Non-Alcoholic beverages (doesn’t that cover most all beverages?);
  • Baked goods (Baked “bads”?);
  • Chewing gum (makes the flavor last longer?);
  • Frozen Dairy (the 32nd Flavor?);
  • Gelatin (there’s always room for Beaver Butt Juice dessert);
  • Puddings (smooth & creamy Beaver Butt Juice)
  • Gravies (to be ladled over your Beaver Butt Biscuits –see “Baked Goods”)
  • Meat Products (heaven only knows what THIS category includes!)
  • Hard Candies (trick or treat takes on a whole new meaning!)
  • Soft Candies (how sweet it is!)

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what else are they putting in our food?

pick up lines

Okay, be honest, cheesey pick up lines are cute. Do they work? Well, they certainly break the ice. I like the one, “Turn your knob down. Would you like for me to turn your knob down… your switch… your knob… you know, your  cutness knob is turned on high!”

or, “Do your feet hurt? Cause you’ve been running through my mind all night!”

and of course another that I have used, “Did it hurt when you fell? Cause your an angel and it is a long fall from heaven!” Mostly I throw these out to get good service from waitress’s… well it worked on my wife (grin)

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I worked with some younger emplyoees the other day and this one lady said, “Your the shit!” Well, I wondered what I did wrong and eventually asked her what was wrong cause I thought we were working well together. She informed me that now a days, “The Shit.” is a good thing. I was relieved cause when I grew up… ‘the shit’ … stunk!

If I had a garden, I’d put your Tulips and my Tulips together…

I just moved you to the top of my ‘To Do’ list…

Is your Dad a terrorist? Cause you’re Da’ bomb!

what has 42 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk?  My Zipper!

Hey baby, you must be a General, cause you’re making my privates stand at attention!

Can I take your picture? So I can show folks what I want for Christmas!

How about you and I find a dark-room and see what developes.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put ‘u’ and ‘I’ together.

Is that a mirror in your pocket cause I see myself in your pants.

I may not be Fred Flinstone but I bet I can make your Bed Rock!

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 want to make a lampshade out of your skin… cause you light up my life!

Osama fish story

When somebody brags about catching a huge record breaking trophy fish, and then throwing it back into the sea. You just have to believe them. From the Obama Administration’s claim that they got Osama, and then they buried him at sea so he will never be seen again. You just have to believe them.
 
example:
John bragged that he caught a record breaking marlin that was so huge that it HAD to have been a record breaker, however, he released it back into the sea. You just had to have been there. WHAT AN OSAMA FISH STORY!!!!
 
Now, years ago, probably the early eighties, I went fishing with my step-father, George and we landed a 72 lb catfish. With large fish like this you should tie them off in the water and allow them to live a few days and work off the excess fat. So, we did, we weighed the fish, tied it off and went to church. When we got back we took the fish out of the water and hung it from the pier so we could get pictures. We took some pics and the fish began to swing and flop around and the nylon rope broke and the huge catfish landed on the pier and slitthered back into the water. This would be an Osama Fish Story except one thing… I have pictures of the monster fish that we some how named Walter.
 
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Some fishing stories are a little hard to believe, But this guy has pictures to prove his story… Tom Satre told the Sitka Gazette that he was out with a charter group on his 62-foot fishing vessel when four juvenile black-tailed deer swam directly toward his boat. “Once the deer reached the boat, the four began to circle the boat, looking directly at us. We could tell right away that the young bucks were distressed. I opened up my back gate and we helped the typically skittish and absolutely wild animals onto the boat. In all my years fishing, I’ve never seen anything quite like it! “Once on-board, they collapsed with exhaustion, shivering. We headed for Taku Harbour. Once we reached the dock, the first buck that we had been pulled from the water hopped onto the dock, looked back as if to say ‘thank you’ and disappeared into the forest.”……
 
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John: I cant believe Osama is dead…

Jule: What?  What happenedd?

John: Where have you been?  He was killed last night.

Julie: You’re kidding me.  The President is dead?

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  • In other news, Chuck Norris returns from vacationing in Pakistan.
  • I would make an Osama joke but they’ve probably all Bin done.
“Apparently, members of Al Qaeda are online slamming the U.S. I don’t understand why the terrorists are so mad about Osama bin Laden’s death. Everybody in Al Qaeda just got a promotion.” —Craig Ferguson

Just when you thought things could not get worse for Osama. You know those 72 virgins he was expecting? Turns out it’s just one 72-year-old virgin.

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fishin’ for chuckles
 
have a quality day
 

time out

Growing up, I can’t ever recall being spanked by my mother, (THAT WAS MY FATHER’S JOB) however I do recall the long drawn out lectures she would give me. I would practically beg for a quick spanking than to have to hear a ten minute story about what I had done wrong. This was back when standing in the corner was a frequent punishment. Now – a – days there is… TIME OUT.

I am not sure who came up with this idea. I have used the time out method on a foster child we had. He was so inventive, he could take a piece of paper and craft an army with it and play battle in the hall. He would take pieces of the carpet and make a rope. He actually enjoyed time outs so much I thought he got in trouble just to have alone time.

I know each child is different for lil sunshine thinks the world has ended if she has to do a time out. She will be silent for days afterwards, like she is punishing me back for doing such a thing to her.

But, as an adult, I enjoy my own time outs. That time when the world is silent and I am alone with my thoughts. I could vision a life of time out, but that seems alot like the monastaries that practice silence. Just food for thought.

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[to his teacher] “I’m 1 year old bitch but I KNOW not to take this note home.. this is an ass whoopin’ you’re pinning on my shirt.” — MIKE EPPS

“Do you realize that if the pilgrims have been chasing bobcats instead of turkeys.. we’d all be eating pussy on Thanksgiving?!” — Redd Foxx

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off –  don’t worry, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

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A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.”

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Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard.” Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after, all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

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take ‘time out’ to laugh today

a green thumb

 

I put my garden in yesterday… wondering how long it will take the deer, rabbit an dogs to destroy it. The neighbor has an electric fence around theirs. I placed mesh around mine. It is something I have done since I was a kid. My mother still gardens every year. So, I come by it naturally. But… do I have a green thumb?

Not really, I struggle to keep house plants alive. Which is why I give Bonsais away about as fast as I shape them. I bought a truck load of new plants and this includes more junipers and maples for bonsais. I planted tomatoes and peppers and such. So, here we go… another year to reap what I have sown. Do I have a green thumb? Actually it is dirt brown right now. (~_~)

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A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: “WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!”

The farmer returns a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: “NOW THERE ARE TWO!”

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A man asked God, “What’s it like to live a million years?”

God answered, “It is a mere second to me.”

Man asked, “what does it feel like to have a million dollars?”

God states, ” million dollars to me is like a penny.”

he man thinks a minute then asked, “Can I borrow a penny?”

God replies, “Sure, wait a second.”

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On summer vacation, Josie and her son, James, went to visit Josie’s Uncle Jon who owned a nice farm. While there, Uncle Jon was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his four-year-old Great Nephew, James, standing at the fence, wide-eyed and soaking in the whole event.

Uncle Jon thought to himself: “Great, now I’m gonna have to explain the ‘birds and bees’ to him. Well, no need to jump the gun. I’ll just wait and see if he has any questions, and I’ll just answer them as best I can.”

After Uncle Jon finished helping the cow with her birthing, he walked over to James and asked him: “Do you have any questions about what you seen here tonight?”

“Just one,” the little boy whispered, eyes still wide with wonder. “How fast was that calf going when he hit the cow?”

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have an excellent day

kids say the darndest thing

I took little sunshine fishing at th unit. We were fishing for large mouth bass (black bass) I walked to the truck to get a cigar and instructed her to watch the fishing poles. When I began walking back from the truck I saw her reeling in a fish. The big pole and the fighting fish was a challenge for her but she prevailed and dragged an eight pound bass on shore.

Needless to say she was pround, she had caught the biggest fish of the day and probably for years to come. When we got home she ran in the house and exclaimed, “I caught a big ‘wide’ mouth bass.”

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There was two little boys who were to be in a wedding. Ring bearer and lower child. They were all dressed up and played their parts perfectly. When the wedding was over, they talked about how much fun they had and hoped they could do this many more times.

“How many times can you get married?” One boy asked.

“That’s easy… the preacher said… ‘4’ better or worse, ‘4’richer or pourer,… at least that many times.”

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have a humorous day

life savers

First off, I apologize for neglecting this blog; Fishing for chuckles. I have been very busy with family and work and to be totally honest (fishing season = already cleaned 93 fish this year = hence the word cleaned… not kept/ most were friends and family)

But, I owe a lot to those who saved my brother from his heart attack and car accident combination. He could be dead if it were not for those who saved his life. The person who called the wreck in, the one who responded, the officers and the wrecker driver. The EMT’s, the life flight helicopter, the doctors who put him back together and the nurses who cared for him. (this list does not do justice for those who brought him back to life)

They are life savers… the flavor of savior … bows humble (~_~)

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A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste)
Of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red………………….Cherry
Yellow………………Lemon
Green………………..Lime
Orange……………Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.
‘Well,’ she said, ‘I will give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.’
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled,
‘Oh my God!! They’re assholes!’

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A blonde is working as a lifeguard at a swimming pool when a girl begins to drown, screaming “lifesaver! lifesaver!”

The blonde thinks for a moment, and then asks “cherry or grape?”

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Really Good DeedThis guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book. He’s checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, “You know, I can’t see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.

Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you’re in.”

The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Well, there was this one time when I was drivin’ down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that’s what they were doing. There were about 50 of ‘em torturing this chick.

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.

So I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'”

St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, “Really? Wow, when did all this happen?”

“Er.. about two minutes ago.”

 
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have a humorous day
 

backwards

I was with Sarge yesterday, buying a tire, when a car pulled up and a man got out and asked if he could air up his tire, that was nearly flat. They told him, “Okay,” and he began putting air in his tire. The passenger got out to help and I noticed that his hat was on backwards and up side down. (The hat was like that of a golfers, a brim and band but nothing up top.

I said, “I don’t mean to impose, but did you know your hat is on backwards and upside down?” The man replied, Yeah!” I didn’t pry. I thought about this and wondered if this person would wear their pants on backwards, or shirt. I don’t exactly understand the idea of wearing a hat backwards or upside down.

My son, Flip, use to wear his cap backwards and I always tried to understand why. I suppose it is like the Fonze, wearing a t-shirt and blue jeans, so others try and dress like him. But who are they trying to imitate, that wears a hat backwards. Would you drive your car backwards on the freeway? Or walk backwards everywhere you go? I wrestled with this thought and realized they must think backwards… and up side-down!

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Cowboys and outlaws, riht guys and southpaws,
Good dogs and all kinds of cats.
Dirt roads and white lines and all kinds of stop signs,
But I stand right here where I’m at,
‘Cause I wear My Own Kind Of Hat.

There’s two kind of lovers and two kind of brothers,
And two kind of babies to hold.
There’s two kind of cherries and two kind of fairies,
And two kind of mothers I’m told, and told

Cowboys and outlaws and right guys and southpaws,
Good dogs and all kinds of cats.
Dirt roads and white lines and all kinds of stop signs,
But I stand right here where I’m at,
‘Cause I wear My Own Kind Of Hat.

There’s two kind of brothers and two kind of lovers,
And two kind of babies to hold.
There’s two kind of cherries and two kind of fairies,
And two kind of mothers I’m told, and told

Cowboys and outlaws and right guys and southpaws,
Good dogs and all kinds of cats.
Dirt roads and white lines and all kinds of stop signs,
But I stand right here were I’m at,
‘Cause I wear My Own Kind of Hat.

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may your day be forward

 

wooden floors

I was putting in a wooden floor in a friend of mines house this last weekend. We did the whole living room and then took a break, to finish the rest the next day. I took my lil girl with me the next day and we walked into the house. She noticed right away that the carpet was gone. I told her I put the wood in the floor. She looked puzzled. She looked at the door then at the floor and then at me.

“How did you get the wood through the door?” She asked. She thought it was all one piece. She didn’t realize the wooden floor was put in one board at a time, she thought we some how carried the whole floor into the house and layed it down.

I did not know I had the ability to invent words… when I hit my finger with the hammer!

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Q: How did Pinocchio find out that he was made of wood?

A: His hand caught on fire.

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Why are husbands like hard wood flooring?

If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them.

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A man in a bar, after several drinks, began bragging that he could identify any type of wood by its smell only. The patrons of the bar decided to test him. The man was blindfolded and presented with several
pieces of wood.
First they tried maple. He smelled it and said, “That’s maple.”

They then tried ebony; he again smelled it and named the wood correctly.
He did this with ever piece of wood they brought before him.
The bartender then got an idea to trick him. And they took one of the waitresses and put her crotch up to his nose.

He sniffed for a while. “Boy,” he said “this is difficult, flip that board over and let me smell the other side.”
So they took they waitress and put her ass near his nose.
He took a big whiff, started to smile and said, “You guys can’t fool me! That is the shit house door from a tuna boat!”

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have a good day