genie

A MODERN DAY COWBOY HAS SPENT MANY DAYS CROSSING THE DAKOTA PRAIRIES WITHOUT WATER.

HIS HORSE HAD ALREADY DIED OF THIRST. HE’S CRAWLING ALONG THE DUSTY GROUND, CERTAIN THAT HE HAS BREATHED HIS LAST BREATH, WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN HE SEES AN OBJECT STICKING OUT OF THE GROUND SEVERAL YARDS AHEAD OF HIM.

HE CRAWLS TO THE OBJECT, PULLS IT OUT OF THE GROUND AND DISCOVERS WHAT LOOKS TO BE AN OLD BRIEFCASE….

HE OPENS IT AND OUT POPS A GENIE.

BUT THIS IS NO ORDINARY GENIE.

SHE IS WEARING AN INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE ID BADGE AND A DULL GREY DRESS.

THERE’S A CALCULATOR IN HER POCKETBOOK. SHE HAS A PENCIL TUCKED BEHIND ONE EAR. ”WELL, COWBOY,” SAYS THE GENIE,

”YOU KNOW HOW I WORK … YOU HAVE THREE WISHES.”

”I’M NOT FALLING FOR THIS,” SAID THE COWBOY,

”I’M NOT GOING TO TRUST AN IRS GENIE.”

”WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE? YOU’VE GOT NO TRANSPORTATION, AND IT LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE A GONER ANYWAY!”

THE COWBOY THINKS ABOUT THIS FOR A MINUTE AND DECIDES THAT THE GENIE IS RIGHT.

”OK! I WISH I WERE ALONG-SIDE A LUSH SPRING WITH PLENTY OF FOOD AND DRINK.”

***POOF***

THE COWBOY FINDS HIMSELF BESIDE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SPRING HE HAS EVER SEEN, AND HE’S SURROUNDED WITH JUGS OF WINE AND PLATTERS OF DELICACIES.

”OK, COWPOKE, WHAT’S YOUR SECOND WISH.”

”MY SECOND WISH IS THAT I WAS RICH ….BEYOND MY WILDEST DREAMS.”

***POOF***

THE COWBOY FINDS HIMSELF SURROUNDED BY TREASURE CHESTS FILLED WITH RARE GOLD COINS AND PRECIOUS GEMS.

”OK, COWPUNCHER, YOU HAVE JUST ONE MORE WISH.

BETTER MAKE IT A GOOD ONE!”

AFTER THINKING FOR A FEW MINUTES, THE COWBOY SAYS,

”I WISH THAT NO MATTER WHERE I GO, BEAUTIFUL WOMEN WILL WANT AND NEED ME.”

***POOF***

HE WAS TURNED INTO A TAMPON.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

_IF THE U.S. GOVERNMENT OFFERS TO HELP YOU, THERE’S GOING TO BE A STRING ATTACHED.

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the singing ding-a-ling

“my ding a ling, my ding a ling…”

Do you remember the hit song, “My ding-a-ling,” by Chuck Berry? Well, here is the facts on an insect that makes music using its private organ.

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“The world’s loudest animal relative to its size has been revealed to be a tiny bug with a big organ. The water boatman, Micronecta scholtzi, rattles its penis along grooves in its abdomen to produce a chattering song—that registers at 99.2 decibelsabout the volume of a loud orchestra heard from the front row. Even though the water boatman does its ‘singing’ from the bottom of rivers to attract mates, humans walking along the riverbank can clearly hear it. The area along its abdomen that the bug uses to make the noise is only about the width of a human hair, and researchers aren’t sure exactly how it produces so loud a song.”

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or… what about this new breed of snake found to resemble a penis?

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may you laugh through-out your day

the Airport frenzy

I remember the good ole days when you arrived at the airport 15 minutes till your flight and ran up, bought a ticket and then ran to the terminal and got on the plane. No more! I took my father-in-law to the airport one hour and fifteen minutes before his flight and he nearly missed the flight due to the lines to be searched. Security is never convenient.

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Allegedly a true story from the old airport in Denver: a major airline had cancelled a very busy flight and a lone check-in agent is busy trying to sort out all the displaced passengers. A very angry and aggressive man barges his way to the front of the queue to confront her. He says says that he is flying first class and demands to go on the flight.

The agent politely explains the situation and asks that people take their place in the queue.

The man bellows at her, “Do you know who I am?” – at which the agent calmly picks up the microphone for the PA system, and announces to the airport,

“This is (airline name) desk 64; we have a gentleman here who does not know who he is. If anyone can come and identify him please do so.”

The man, now purple with rage, yells at her, “Well f**k you..” – to

which the agent replies, “And you’ll have to stand in line for that as well, Sir..”

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According to “The Australian,” an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight.

The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign.

The vibration stopped immediately.

A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.

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The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.

Speedbird 206: “Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active.”

Ground: “Good Morning, taxi to your gate.” The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”

Speedbird 206: “Stand by, ground, I’m looking up the gate location now.”

Ground (impatiently): “Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?”

Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, in 1944. But I didn’t stop”.

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Have a nice flight

(~_~)

What’s up Doc?

While we were at Six Flags, Fiesta Texas, there was an area where you could have your picture taken with the (life size / people in costumes) characters from Looney Tunes. There was; Taz, Tweety Bird, Sylvester, Daffy Duck, Yosemite Sam. Every time we went by them, my lil sunshine asked to see Bugs Bunny, but he was not available.

When we went by for the last time, there he was; Bugs Bunny. (Her favorite) She shyly went up and gave him a hug. I asked her, “Do you want to say any thing to Bugs? He is your favorite.”

She looked up at him and shyly sank into my leg. “Ahhh…. what’s up doc?” Was all she said. We all laughed. 

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A party of suppliers was being given a tour of a mental hospital.

One of the visitors had made some very insulting remarks about the patients.

After the tour the visitors were introduced to various members of staff in the canteen.

The rude visitor chatted to one of the security staff, Bill, a kindly and wise ex-policeman.

“Are they all raving loonies in here then?” said the rude man.

“Only the ones who fail the test,” said Bill.

“What’s the test?” said the man.

“Well, we show them a bath full of water, a bucket, a jug and an egg-cup, and we ask them what’s the quickest way to empty the bath,” said Bill.

“Oh I see, simple – the normal ones know it’s the bucket, right?”

“No actually,” said Bill, “The normal ones say pull out the plug. Should I check when there’s a bed free for you?”

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A man was driving along the highway and saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the Easter Bunny jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man and animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road. He got out seeing what happened to the rabbit. The Easter Bunny was dead. The driver felt so awful that he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car, and asked the man what was wrong.

“I feel terrible” he explained. “I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it”.

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.

Miraculously, the Easter Bunny came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two people and hopped down the road! Ten feet away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved at the two people again, hopped down the road another 10 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 10 feet, turned and waved and repeated this again and again until it was out of sight.

The man was astonished! He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can.

He ran over to the woman and demanded, “What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?”

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It read: “Hair Spray – Restores Life to Dead Hair – Adds Permanent Wave.”

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Happy Father’s Day

(~_~)

beaver butt vanilla ice cream?

So, I was watching David Letterman last night because Jamie Oliver was on. I adore him…in a innocent non-stalking kind of way. He is very much to the point, has an interest in making the world a better place AND he is a darn good chef.

He was talking about why knowing about the food you eat is important..and then he dropped the bomb….Food additives in vanilla ice cream… So what? We all know we eat additives, right? Why research them? The FDA approved them, right?

Well..the next few words caused me to pause mid chew. Yes. Mid chew.

“Did you know that there are beaver’s anal glands in vanilla ice cream?” Jamie asked with a smirk. A very smirky smirk.

I thought it was a joke. Turns out? It’s not. Apparently someone decided that beaver anal glands enhanced sweets, including vanilla ice cream and many raspberry products. The substance can be found on your ice cream as castoreum; if it is in a small enough amount it does not have to be listed.

Have a little Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla, folks……

Beaver’s butt might be bad enough but you regularly, happily eat other stuff that is as bad or worse. And with the sketchy disclosure and label laws you don’t have to be told.

more…

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(my questions begins with …who tried beaver anal glands as a food and found it helped their food taste better? How did the FDA think it was okay to use this product without regulating a rule that it should be listed on the ingredients? And… what about the chocolate ice cream? (do I really want to know?))

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This is a beaver’s anal gland. It is the source of Beaver Butt Juice, officially called Castoreum, used in foods, cigarettes, perfumes, chewing gum.

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Beaver Butt Juice is officially called Castoreum. Look for it under “Natural Flavor” in your favorite food that the FDA (21 CFR 182.50) places “No Restrictions” on since it is GRAS.  See if you recognize these sources:

  • Alcoholic & Non-Alcoholic beverages (doesn’t that cover most all beverages?);
  • Baked goods (Baked “bads”?);
  • Chewing gum (makes the flavor last longer?);
  • Frozen Dairy (the 32nd Flavor?);
  • Gelatin (there’s always room for Beaver Butt Juice dessert);
  • Puddings (smooth & creamy Beaver Butt Juice)
  • Gravies (to be ladled over your Beaver Butt Biscuits –see “Baked Goods”)
  • Meat Products (heaven only knows what THIS category includes!)
  • Hard Candies (trick or treat takes on a whole new meaning!)
  • Soft Candies (how sweet it is!)

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what else are they putting in our food?

pick up lines

Okay, be honest, cheesey pick up lines are cute. Do they work? Well, they certainly break the ice. I like the one, “Turn your knob down. Would you like for me to turn your knob down… your switch… your knob… you know, your  cutness knob is turned on high!”

or, “Do your feet hurt? Cause you’ve been running through my mind all night!”

and of course another that I have used, “Did it hurt when you fell? Cause your an angel and it is a long fall from heaven!” Mostly I throw these out to get good service from waitress’s… well it worked on my wife (grin)

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I worked with some younger emplyoees the other day and this one lady said, “Your the shit!” Well, I wondered what I did wrong and eventually asked her what was wrong cause I thought we were working well together. She informed me that now a days, “The Shit.” is a good thing. I was relieved cause when I grew up… ‘the shit’ … stunk!

If I had a garden, I’d put your Tulips and my Tulips together…

I just moved you to the top of my ‘To Do’ list…

Is your Dad a terrorist? Cause you’re Da’ bomb!

what has 42 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk?  My Zipper!

Hey baby, you must be a General, cause you’re making my privates stand at attention!

Can I take your picture? So I can show folks what I want for Christmas!

How about you and I find a dark-room and see what developes.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put ‘u’ and ‘I’ together.

Is that a mirror in your pocket cause I see myself in your pants.

I may not be Fred Flinstone but I bet I can make your Bed Rock!

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 want to make a lampshade out of your skin… cause you light up my life!

Osama fish story

When somebody brags about catching a huge record breaking trophy fish, and then throwing it back into the sea. You just have to believe them. From the Obama Administration’s claim that they got Osama, and then they buried him at sea so he will never be seen again. You just have to believe them.
 
example:
John bragged that he caught a record breaking marlin that was so huge that it HAD to have been a record breaker, however, he released it back into the sea. You just had to have been there. WHAT AN OSAMA FISH STORY!!!!
 
Now, years ago, probably the early eighties, I went fishing with my step-father, George and we landed a 72 lb catfish. With large fish like this you should tie them off in the water and allow them to live a few days and work off the excess fat. So, we did, we weighed the fish, tied it off and went to church. When we got back we took the fish out of the water and hung it from the pier so we could get pictures. We took some pics and the fish began to swing and flop around and the nylon rope broke and the huge catfish landed on the pier and slitthered back into the water. This would be an Osama Fish Story except one thing… I have pictures of the monster fish that we some how named Walter.
 
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Some fishing stories are a little hard to believe, But this guy has pictures to prove his story… Tom Satre told the Sitka Gazette that he was out with a charter group on his 62-foot fishing vessel when four juvenile black-tailed deer swam directly toward his boat. “Once the deer reached the boat, the four began to circle the boat, looking directly at us. We could tell right away that the young bucks were distressed. I opened up my back gate and we helped the typically skittish and absolutely wild animals onto the boat. In all my years fishing, I’ve never seen anything quite like it! “Once on-board, they collapsed with exhaustion, shivering. We headed for Taku Harbour. Once we reached the dock, the first buck that we had been pulled from the water hopped onto the dock, looked back as if to say ‘thank you’ and disappeared into the forest.”……
 
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John: I cant believe Osama is dead…

Jule: What?  What happenedd?

John: Where have you been?  He was killed last night.

Julie: You’re kidding me.  The President is dead?

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  • In other news, Chuck Norris returns from vacationing in Pakistan.
  • I would make an Osama joke but they’ve probably all Bin done.
“Apparently, members of Al Qaeda are online slamming the U.S. I don’t understand why the terrorists are so mad about Osama bin Laden’s death. Everybody in Al Qaeda just got a promotion.” —Craig Ferguson

Just when you thought things could not get worse for Osama. You know those 72 virgins he was expecting? Turns out it’s just one 72-year-old virgin.

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fishin’ for chuckles
 
have a quality day