My Uncle Bill would say, “life is like a jar of jalapeños, what you do today, may bite you in the ass tomorrow.” Now Uncle Bill was a rare breed, he lived out in the ‘sticks’ way past a country mile and probably darn near ‘BFE.’ But what I want to tell you about is ‘Peanut.’ Peanut, (was/is) my Uncle’s donkey. I say ‘was/is’ cause Uncle Bill has past away, ‘god rest his soul.’ How do I know he is in heaven? Cause Uncle Bill was the kinda man that would beat the ‘S#*t’ out of the devil. Lord knows Uncle Bill had plenty of practice, nearly every Saturday night we’d have to go pick him up off the local bar room floor. My aunt would say, not even the devil himself would want to tangle with such an ‘onry’ ole cuss,’ as we were putting him in the back of the pick-up.
Uncle Bill had a lil’ spread, not really a farm just a place out yonder where he had ducks, chickens, dogs, cats, horses, a cow or two, and a donkey named peanut. Why was his name peanut? You guessed it, this donkey loved peanuts and beer. Yeah, thats right, I said beer! That critter could grip a bottle with his lips, turn it up and chug down a brew faster than the hair would stand up on grandma’s legs every time a train whisp by. Ever seen a drunk donkey? A staggering sight I tell ya.
One day my aunt was gathering eggs from the chickens, (they really didn’t have a coop) they just let the chickens run around the yard and they basically had certain places that they would lay their eggs. And my Aunt pretty much knew where they were. She was walking around the yard with her little ole’ basket, with one sock pulled up and one sock rolled down, gathering eggs and that’s when it happened. You would have thought that aliens had landed in the back yard the way that women screamed. She was louder than the fire trucks blaring their sirens down the highway.
I ran to the window just in time to see my Aunt running across the yard, the goose was flapping it’s wings wildly, running one step behind her and her one rolled down sock and there was ‘Peanut’ behind the goose like a caboose on a train they were all running the same direction, downhill, into a field. I ran to the door and went outside, “hell, they’re probably half way to china by now.” Then there they were running back toward the house, my aunt with her one sock rolled up and the other rolled down, the goose right on her heels, squawking loudly and then there was peanut running right behind them as if they were all tied together. My Aunt ran past me and straight into the house, slamming the door behind her. The goose hit the hard wood door and feathers went flying everywhere and peanut slowed down and walked up to me, nudging my pockets to see if I had brought out any peanuts.
After all was settled, it come out. My Aunt was picking up eggs and had picked up the goose’s egg, which made the goose very angry and chased my aunt all over trying to get it back. I, being the diplomatic member in the family took the egg back to the gooses laying spot (in the high grass along the fence line) and restored order on the lil’ ponderosa! Now if you ain’t never been chased by a goose, you probably don’t know, they bite and nip and leave little welps. ‘Hell’ my poor aunt looked like a prize fighter, with black and blue welps on her legs for weeks after that. And just so peanut could get an extra 12-pack, I told her that peanut was trying to save her the whole time. (grin) “hick-up” yep, being a kid, I’d split he beer with peanut.