Please be advised that your Optirectomy operation is scheduled for 8:00 a.m.
The purpose of this operation is to sever the cord that connects your eyes to your rectum and, hopefully, get rid of your s***ty outlook on life. It has been noted that you have been in less than perfect humor lately
I had to go to the hospital the other day. Well, I was in the hospital but I wasn’t in the hospital. I mean I was in the hospital but I wasn’t a patient, I was on duty. I came to a conclusion when the doctor walked in and said a couple words, asked a couple questions and left. That probably cost a small fortune for a quick visit. Then the nurse came by and handed out meds and she probably gets a pretty penny. Then the lady came by and drew blood, she probably gets paid fairly well. Then the housekeeping lady came in and cleaned the room, the floors and changed the sheets and even gave the patient a bath. Then she changed the bed pan, awful work. I made a comment that she must make more money than all the others cause she did all the work. But the truth is she gets paid less than any one else, why is that? Education and intelligence.
There was a man digging a ditch, out in the hot sun, working hard and sweating profusely. A friend walked by and asked. “Why is it your out here in the hot sun working your fingers to the bone and your boss gets to sit in the air conditioned office. He probably has his feet up on the desk, kicked back and ain’t doing nothing and gets paid for it?”
“I don’t know, but I’ll go ask.” The hard working man bellowed. He marched into the office where his boss was sitting and asked with confidence. “Why am I out in the hot sun working my butt off while you get to sit in the office with your feet up on the desk, kicked back in the air condition?”
The boss, took his feet off the desk, leaned forward and said, “Intelligence.”
“Intelligence? What’s that?” The hard working man asked.
The boss looked around the air conditioned office and spied a hammer. “See that hammer?” He pointed at a hammer. “Hit my hand.” The boss said and placed his hand on the desk. The hard working man was not so confident, but did as he was asked and took the hammer in hand and walked up and went to hit his bosses hand that was on the desk. At the last possible moment, before the hammer hit the bosses hand the boss pulled his hand away and the hammer hit the desk. “That’s intelligence.” The boss stated.
The worker went out side and there stood his friend, “Well, what did he say?” The friend asked.
“He said the difference between me and him was intelligence,” The hard worker replied.
“Intelligence? What’s that?” His friend asked.
The hard worker looked around and saw the shovel that he had used to dig the ditch. “See that shovel? Hit my hand.” The hard worker stated and placed his hand over his face.
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
“But how will I let you know the baby is born?” she asked.
He replied, “Just send me a postcard and write “spaghetti” on the back. I’ll take care of expenses.” Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by, and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at the office and said, “Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don’t understand what it means.”
The doctor said, “Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.”
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read: “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti – Two with sausage and meatballs; two without.”
wishing you ‘well’ today