the christmas tree

I bet y now every one has a tree up. Most put them up right after christmas, or at least we did. The kids made ornaments at school the last couple of years and even though thy look like they could use a make over, we put them on the tree.

I always liked, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vaction, when the squirrel runs rampid through the house. Brought in from the christmas tree and the ols man sleeps through it all. Funny stuff. The dog drinks from the bottom bowl of the tree. It is a funny movie.

How many of you make pop corn sreamers to wrap around the tree. I would but the dog would probably bring the tree down trying to eat it. We did the candy cane thing last year and by the time christmas got here all the candy was gone. And of course the best part of the christmas tree is the presents underneath it.



  1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
  2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
  3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
  4. A Christmas tree always looks good – even with the lights on.
  5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
  6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
  7. A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you break one of its balls.
  8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it’s past its ‘sell by’ date.
  9. You don’t have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.


10 Things that Sound Dirty at Christmas, But Aren’t

  • 10. Did you get any under the tree?
  • 9. I think your balls are hanging too low.
  • 8. Check out Rudolph’s Honker!
  • 7. Santa’s sack is really bulging.
  • 6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.
  • 5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
  • 4. I love licking the end till it’s really sharp and pointy.
  • 3. From here you can’t tell if they’re artificial or real.
  • 2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?
  • 1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.


10 Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman

  • 10. A Christmas tree doesn’t care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
  • 09. Christmas trees don’t get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
  • 08. A Christmas tree doesn’t care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
  • 07. A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you break one of its balls.
  • 06. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
  • 05. A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you look up underneath it.
  • 04. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
  • 03. A Christmas tree doesn’t get jealous around other Christmas trees.
  • 02. A Christmas tree doesn’t care if you watch football all day.
  • 01. A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.


John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. “Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?”

“Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”

“He’s an asshole,” John said. “Piss on him.”

“You did,” came the reply. “And he fired you.”

“Well, screw him!” said John.

“I did. You’re back at work on Monday.”


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