cute as a button

 

Cute as a button? I for one have a hard time seeing a button as cute. Unless they are talking about pins? You know the button’s with cute sayings. Like “Kiss me I’m Irish!”

Lke these…

 

Now cute as a puppy, Iget. Perhaps cute as  belly button! But, cute as  button… I think this phrase came from a simpler time and carried into our generations. I heard this the other day and got to thinking about it. So, I wonder if that is why snaps were invented. Or, velcro… maybe even latches. It is hard to imagine some one saying, “That is as cute as velcro.” Hummm, maybe!

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Little Mikey is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest?” Unsure of how to reply, she tells Little Mikey to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Mikey didn’t forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, said, “Why? Mikey, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”

Mikey thinks that’s really neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Little Mikey’s dad comes home from work a few hours early. Mikey runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Daddy! Daddy! Mommy’s dying!”

His father says, “Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy’s dying?”

“Uncle Bob is blowing up Mommy’s balloons and she’s screaming, ‘Oh God, I’m coming’.”

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have a humorous day

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a box of cigars

My wife’s birthday is in the first week in Janurary. Last night the kids and I were talking about the presents they had recieved from Santa. My wife blurts out, “What did you get me for my Birthday,” trying to be funny.

I replied, “What I got you for your Birthday, I wanted really bad,”

My little girl didn’t miss a beat. She blurted out, “You got mamma a box of cigars?” She knows I love a good cigar and didn’t get any for Christmas this year. We all laughed. (Yes. I smoke cigars) I haven’t smoked cigarettes since the 90’s. I always wanted to be like Mark Twain, but never could get my hair to friz out (grin).

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The defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was very concerned about the outcome of his case.  ”If I lose, I’ll be ruined,” he said to his lawyer.

“It’s in the judge’s hands now,” his advocate explained.

“Would it help if I sent His Honor a box of cigars?” wondered the defendant.  

His attorney was horrified at the suggestion and urgently counseled his client against such behavior.  ”This judge is a stickler for ethics. You shouldn’t even smile at him!  And sending him a box of cigars would completely prejudice him against your case. He might even find you in contempt of court  ”

Two days later, the judge rendered a decision — in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, “Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It certainly worked.”

“I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent those cigars,” said the lawyer.

“But I did send them!” said the defendant.  ”That’s how we won the case.  I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find and enclosed the plaintiff’s business card.” 

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Cigar Crime Doesn’t Pay…

In Charlotte, North Carolina, a man with a passion for fine cigars figured out a way to get his smokes for free.  He purchased a case of 2 dozen very, rare, very costly cigars.  Like many people with objects of great value, he had them insured.  Nothing odd in that…except he had them insured against fire!  

It took the man less than a month to consume his stockpile, and although he hadn’t even paid a single premium on his new policy, he filed a claim with the insurance company.  He stated that his property had been lost “in a series of small fires.”  

Obviously, the insurance company balked, saying that the cigars had been consumed in a normal fashion. He called in his lawyers, they called in their lawyers.  He sued…and, much to everyone’s surprise, he WON!

In his ruling, the judge stated that the insurance company had issued a valid policy that warranted the cigars as insurable and guaranteed payment in the even of “loss by fire.”  The policy didn’t define an “acceptable” fire, so it was considered to be in force and the company was obliged to compensate the man for his “loss.”

Given the time and costs of a lengthy appeal, the insurance company felt it was more cost-effective to accept the judge’s ruling and paid $15,000 to their client for his “loss.”

But wait.  After our “hero” cashed his check, he was arrested – on 24 counts of arson!  The prosecution used the man’s own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case to prove that he had intentionally destroyed valuable property.  He was sentenced to 2 decades in prison – 24 consecutive l-year terms.

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Grandma got run over by a reindeer

What sets off the Christmas season better than songs and movies. Grandma got run over by a reindeer was first a song then a movie. There have been a lot of movies inspired this way. One of my Favorites is “Deck the Halls.” Of course we all know Rudolph the red nosed reindeer and there are many more. I hope that each and every one of you get to enjoy this christmas season. I know I will, having little ones seems to make christmas that much brighter, lord knows I have had my share of dark christmas’s.

Last year an elf must have been getting under the tree and unwrapping presents to see what we got the kids so Santa wouldn’t bring them the same thing. Cause they was unwrapped and re-wrapped horribly. Of course the kids blamed the cat.

But going to grandma’s for christmas is always the big thing here. Grandma always has toys for every one. Hope she doesn’t get run over by a reindeer this year. Load your shotguns and tie down your granny and hide the egg nog, cause Santa is a reckless driver. (grin)

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Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents.  At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

“I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE…
I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO…
I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR…”

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, “Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn’t deaf.”  To which the little brother replied, “No, but Gramma is!”

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Christmas Fireman

In a small Southern town there was a “Nativity Scene” that showed   great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature  bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets.  Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a “Quick Stop” on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, “You damn Yankees never do read the Bible!” I assured her that I did, but simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said
“See, it says right here,  ‘The three wise man came from afar.'”

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A texas elf

have a merry ole day

Presents

Holy Moly did you see all the fights that went on during black friday. I assume that like my wife they were doing christmas shopping. What away to start off the christmas season, with a black eye. My wife went to Wal-mart and there were two fights, one was over the 6.00 sheets and the other was over 1.99 movies. What the hell.

I remember getting a car that had a ballon attached that you blew up the ballon and it made the car go. Now that was back when this type of present was awesome. Now-a-days the presents are Ipads and computer games or helicopters that fly. We have come along way with technology. But have gotten farther away from what christmas is really about.

Every year, I still make hand-made presents. They are cool little trinkets that the kids love. Like one year I made them all (neices and nephews to) pet rocks. Another year I made pendants that had pictures of the twilight characters in them. Just a little something to keep the true meaning of christmas alive. Of course it was the expensive gifts that catch their eye, But they all know by now, Uncle Art is going to make them something for christmas.

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A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart’s birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went to Nordstrom’s and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note :

“I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with thembefore I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!

All my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.”

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I am nearly bald. This Christmas, could you please send me something to keep my hair in.Father Christmas: Send him a paper bag, and a comb; I’ll bet he never parts with it!

Can I have a puppy for Christmas?
Certainly not. You can have turkey like everybody else!

Dear Father Christmas, could you please send me some Crocodile shoes?
Father Christmas: Can’t do that one. He hasn’t said what size his crocodile takes!

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happy holidays

pickup trucks

One of my favorite songs, and since it is saturday. I used to play this song with the kids when they were growing up and we would go to town in my ‘Big Dodge’ I called (the mule) cause that truck could pull a house. I still have the truck, I’m rebuilding the motor and repainting it/ restoring an old classic. But any-who, here’s the lyrics to Jerry Jeff Walkers song.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yea, I used to look forward to Saturdays. When me and my grandpa’d get way. We’d hop in his pickup truck and we’d go to town. We had a couple chores that we had to do. It didn’t take long before we were through.  Then we’d let the pickup truck just wander around.
 
We’d make a run to the county dump. We’d always wave when we saw someone. Grandpa make up a song as we rolled along. To the post office without fail. We get some feed and we’d check out the mail. And we never took the same road twice on the way back home.
I spent a few years out runnin’ free. I spent two or three in New York City And I moved back to Texas tired, hell I’d had enough. I’d go to Luckenbach on Saturdays, Cause Hondo had a way to brighten up my day. He always made me laugh when we rode in his pickup truck. We’d make a run to the county dump.  We’d always wave when we saw someone, Hondo’d make up a tale as we rolled along. To the post office without fail, He’d get some chew and we’d check out the mail And we never took the same road twice on the way back home.
 
Well I miss grandpa and Hondo too, I really miss the things that used to do, So last week I went out and bought me an old pickup truck. Now me and the kids spend Saturdays. We do fun things in a simple way. We love to start the day with a ride in the pickup truck. We make a run to the county dump. We always wave if we see someone. The kids love to make up a song as we roll along. To the post office without fail. We get some stamps and we check out the mail. And we never take the same road twice on the way back home. Half the fun’s gettin’ lost on the way back home.
 
 
You aint gotta be country to love doing that.
 
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A Texan was talking big in a bar one night about how much money he had, how many women he had been with and how much land he owned.
 
A young man, growing tired of all the big talk finally asked the Texan, “Just how much land do you actually own”?
 
The Texan tipped back his cowboy hat and said to the young man ” Well sonny let me put it to ya like this, I can get in my pickup at sunrise, drive all day long, skip lunch and still not get to the
other side of my property by sundown”.
 
The young man shot back quickly, ” Oh yeah, I know what you mean, I used to own a Chevy truck too”!
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Q. Why did Ford put heaters in the tailgates of their new trucks?
A. To keep their hands warm when they are pushing the truck into the shop
 
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the term pick-up truck
 
A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and
said “If you get in, I’ll give you a lollypop.”
 
The girl kept walking. Following along slowly, the man said “Come on and get in the car with me and I’ll give you two lolly pops.”
 
She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way.
 
The man said “Get in with me and I’ll give you this whole bag of lollypops!”
 
Finally, the girl turned and said “Look daddy, YOU bought the Dodge, YOU ride in it!!!”
 
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the ice cream truck melted………..
 
 
 
have a truckin’ good day