time out

Growing up, I can’t ever recall being spanked by my mother, (THAT WAS MY FATHER’S JOB) however I do recall the long drawn out lectures she would give me. I would practically beg for a quick spanking than to have to hear a ten minute story about what I had done wrong. This was back when standing in the corner was a frequent punishment. Now – a – days there is… TIME OUT.

I am not sure who came up with this idea. I have used the time out method on a foster child we had. He was so inventive, he could take a piece of paper and craft an army with it and play battle in the hall. He would take pieces of the carpet and make a rope. He actually enjoyed time outs so much I thought he got in trouble just to have alone time.

I know each child is different for lil sunshine thinks the world has ended if she has to do a time out. She will be silent for days afterwards, like she is punishing me back for doing such a thing to her.

But, as an adult, I enjoy my own time outs. That time when the world is silent and I am alone with my thoughts. I could vision a life of time out, but that seems alot like the monastaries that practice silence. Just food for thought.

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[to his teacher] “I’m 1 year old bitch but I KNOW not to take this note home.. this is an ass whoopin’ you’re pinning on my shirt.” — MIKE EPPS

“Do you realize that if the pilgrims have been chasing bobcats instead of turkeys.. we’d all be eating pussy on Thanksgiving?!” — Redd Foxx

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off –  don’t worry, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

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A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.”

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Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard.” Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after, all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

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take ‘time out’ to laugh today

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a green thumb

 

I put my garden in yesterday… wondering how long it will take the deer, rabbit an dogs to destroy it. The neighbor has an electric fence around theirs. I placed mesh around mine. It is something I have done since I was a kid. My mother still gardens every year. So, I come by it naturally. But… do I have a green thumb?

Not really, I struggle to keep house plants alive. Which is why I give Bonsais away about as fast as I shape them. I bought a truck load of new plants and this includes more junipers and maples for bonsais. I planted tomatoes and peppers and such. So, here we go… another year to reap what I have sown. Do I have a green thumb? Actually it is dirt brown right now. (~_~)

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A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: “WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!”

The farmer returns a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: “NOW THERE ARE TWO!”

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A man asked God, “What’s it like to live a million years?”

God answered, “It is a mere second to me.”

Man asked, “what does it feel like to have a million dollars?”

God states, ” million dollars to me is like a penny.”

he man thinks a minute then asked, “Can I borrow a penny?”

God replies, “Sure, wait a second.”

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On summer vacation, Josie and her son, James, went to visit Josie’s Uncle Jon who owned a nice farm. While there, Uncle Jon was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his four-year-old Great Nephew, James, standing at the fence, wide-eyed and soaking in the whole event.

Uncle Jon thought to himself: “Great, now I’m gonna have to explain the ‘birds and bees’ to him. Well, no need to jump the gun. I’ll just wait and see if he has any questions, and I’ll just answer them as best I can.”

After Uncle Jon finished helping the cow with her birthing, he walked over to James and asked him: “Do you have any questions about what you seen here tonight?”

“Just one,” the little boy whispered, eyes still wide with wonder. “How fast was that calf going when he hit the cow?”

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have an excellent day

kids say the darndest thing

I took little sunshine fishing at th unit. We were fishing for large mouth bass (black bass) I walked to the truck to get a cigar and instructed her to watch the fishing poles. When I began walking back from the truck I saw her reeling in a fish. The big pole and the fighting fish was a challenge for her but she prevailed and dragged an eight pound bass on shore.

Needless to say she was pround, she had caught the biggest fish of the day and probably for years to come. When we got home she ran in the house and exclaimed, “I caught a big ‘wide’ mouth bass.”

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There was two little boys who were to be in a wedding. Ring bearer and lower child. They were all dressed up and played their parts perfectly. When the wedding was over, they talked about how much fun they had and hoped they could do this many more times.

“How many times can you get married?” One boy asked.

“That’s easy… the preacher said… ‘4’ better or worse, ‘4’richer or pourer,… at least that many times.”

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have a humorous day

life savers

First off, I apologize for neglecting this blog; Fishing for chuckles. I have been very busy with family and work and to be totally honest (fishing season = already cleaned 93 fish this year = hence the word cleaned… not kept/ most were friends and family)

But, I owe a lot to those who saved my brother from his heart attack and car accident combination. He could be dead if it were not for those who saved his life. The person who called the wreck in, the one who responded, the officers and the wrecker driver. The EMT’s, the life flight helicopter, the doctors who put him back together and the nurses who cared for him. (this list does not do justice for those who brought him back to life)

They are life savers… the flavor of savior … bows humble (~_~)

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A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste)
Of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red………………….Cherry
Yellow………………Lemon
Green………………..Lime
Orange……………Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.
‘Well,’ she said, ‘I will give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.’
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled,
‘Oh my God!! They’re assholes!’

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A blonde is working as a lifeguard at a swimming pool when a girl begins to drown, screaming “lifesaver! lifesaver!”

The blonde thinks for a moment, and then asks “cherry or grape?”

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Really Good DeedThis guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book. He’s checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, “You know, I can’t see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.

Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you’re in.”

The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Well, there was this one time when I was drivin’ down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that’s what they were doing. There were about 50 of ’em torturing this chick.

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.

So I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'”

St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, “Really? Wow, when did all this happen?”

“Er.. about two minutes ago.”

 
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have a humorous day
 

Tink

Every night the ice fairy comes and visits my house. I tend to use the ice trays and leave them out unfilled. But the next morning they are filled with water and placed back in the freezer. I sk my wife, “Did you fill the ice trays?”

She replies, “It must have been the ice fairy.” Or I will not even notice and she will point out that the ice fairy has filled up the ice trays again.

I remember growing up, my steo father would always curse the liquor fairies, claiming that they have been stealing his whiskey again. Must have been my brother cause it wasn’t me.

I suppose these fairies all ban together and are making money on the teeth they get from the tooth fairy. They give any where from a quarter to a dollar for a tooth. But I happen to know that when you go and buy a set of false teeth (I assume they are used teeth the tooth fairy sells to the dentist) they are over one thousand dollars for a set of dentures. Those tooth fairies make a grand profit from what they paid for them. (grin)

Of course I have always had a crush on Tinker Belle…

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“Here is a sad story. Paris Hilton has a dog named Tinkerbell and Tinkerbell was missing. But don’t worry — they found Tinkerbell. Tinkerbell was with the Taco Bell chihuahua making a sex video.”

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are crossing an enchanted bridge in Magical Fairyland when they run into a fairy. The fairy says that they can be granted a transformation if they jump off the bridge and call out their wish. The brunette immediately jumps off the bridge and yells “Eagle!” She turns into a beautiful bird of prey and flies away. The redhead jumps off the bridge and yells out “Salmon!” She turns into a gorgeous shimmering salmon and swims upstream to spawn. The blonde is at this point so excited that she jumps off the bridge without thinking of her wish. She panics.
“Crap!”

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Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road
when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

“My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf,”
says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again;
this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

“My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf,” says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.
“My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf,” taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams,
“Will you get lost? I’m trying to take a dump!”

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have a fun day

 

backwards

I was with Sarge yesterday, buying a tire, when a car pulled up and a man got out and asked if he could air up his tire, that was nearly flat. They told him, “Okay,” and he began putting air in his tire. The passenger got out to help and I noticed that his hat was on backwards and up side down. (The hat was like that of a golfers, a brim and band but nothing up top.

I said, “I don’t mean to impose, but did you know your hat is on backwards and upside down?” The man replied, Yeah!” I didn’t pry. I thought about this and wondered if this person would wear their pants on backwards, or shirt. I don’t exactly understand the idea of wearing a hat backwards or upside down.

My son, Flip, use to wear his cap backwards and I always tried to understand why. I suppose it is like the Fonze, wearing a t-shirt and blue jeans, so others try and dress like him. But who are they trying to imitate, that wears a hat backwards. Would you drive your car backwards on the freeway? Or walk backwards everywhere you go? I wrestled with this thought and realized they must think backwards… and up side-down!

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Cowboys and outlaws, riht guys and southpaws,
Good dogs and all kinds of cats.
Dirt roads and white lines and all kinds of stop signs,
But I stand right here where I’m at,
‘Cause I wear My Own Kind Of Hat.

There’s two kind of lovers and two kind of brothers,
And two kind of babies to hold.
There’s two kind of cherries and two kind of fairies,
And two kind of mothers I’m told, and told

Cowboys and outlaws and right guys and southpaws,
Good dogs and all kinds of cats.
Dirt roads and white lines and all kinds of stop signs,
But I stand right here where I’m at,
‘Cause I wear My Own Kind Of Hat.

There’s two kind of brothers and two kind of lovers,
And two kind of babies to hold.
There’s two kind of cherries and two kind of fairies,
And two kind of mothers I’m told, and told

Cowboys and outlaws and right guys and southpaws,
Good dogs and all kinds of cats.
Dirt roads and white lines and all kinds of stop signs,
But I stand right here were I’m at,
‘Cause I wear My Own Kind of Hat.

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may your day be forward

 

wooden floors

I was putting in a wooden floor in a friend of mines house this last weekend. We did the whole living room and then took a break, to finish the rest the next day. I took my lil girl with me the next day and we walked into the house. She noticed right away that the carpet was gone. I told her I put the wood in the floor. She looked puzzled. She looked at the door then at the floor and then at me.

“How did you get the wood through the door?” She asked. She thought it was all one piece. She didn’t realize the wooden floor was put in one board at a time, she thought we some how carried the whole floor into the house and layed it down.

I did not know I had the ability to invent words… when I hit my finger with the hammer!

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Q: How did Pinocchio find out that he was made of wood?

A: His hand caught on fire.

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Why are husbands like hard wood flooring?

If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them.

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A man in a bar, after several drinks, began bragging that he could identify any type of wood by its smell only. The patrons of the bar decided to test him. The man was blindfolded and presented with several
pieces of wood.
First they tried maple. He smelled it and said, “That’s maple.”

They then tried ebony; he again smelled it and named the wood correctly.
He did this with ever piece of wood they brought before him.
The bartender then got an idea to trick him. And they took one of the waitresses and put her crotch up to his nose.

He sniffed for a while. “Boy,” he said “this is difficult, flip that board over and let me smell the other side.”
So they took they waitress and put her ass near his nose.
He took a big whiff, started to smile and said, “You guys can’t fool me! That is the shit house door from a tuna boat!”

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have a good day