the Airport frenzy

I remember the good ole days when you arrived at the airport 15 minutes till your flight and ran up, bought a ticket and then ran to the terminal and got on the plane. No more! I took my father-in-law to the airport one hour and fifteen minutes before his flight and he nearly missed the flight due to the lines to be searched. Security is never convenient.

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Allegedly a true story from the old airport in Denver: a major airline had cancelled a very busy flight and a lone check-in agent is busy trying to sort out all the displaced passengers. A very angry and aggressive man barges his way to the front of the queue to confront her. He says says that he is flying first class and demands to go on the flight.

The agent politely explains the situation and asks that people take their place in the queue.

The man bellows at her, “Do you know who I am?” – at which the agent calmly picks up the microphone for the PA system, and announces to the airport,

“This is (airline name) desk 64; we have a gentleman here who does not know who he is. If anyone can come and identify him please do so.”

The man, now purple with rage, yells at her, “Well f**k you..” – to

which the agent replies, “And you’ll have to stand in line for that as well, Sir..”

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According to “The Australian,” an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight.

The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign.

The vibration stopped immediately.

A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.

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The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.

Speedbird 206: “Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active.”

Ground: “Good Morning, taxi to your gate.” The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”

Speedbird 206: “Stand by, ground, I’m looking up the gate location now.”

Ground (impatiently): “Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?”

Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, in 1944. But I didn’t stop”.

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Have a nice flight

(~_~)

pick up lines

Okay, be honest, cheesey pick up lines are cute. Do they work? Well, they certainly break the ice. I like the one, “Turn your knob down. Would you like for me to turn your knob down… your switch… your knob… you know, your  cutness knob is turned on high!”

or, “Do your feet hurt? Cause you’ve been running through my mind all night!”

and of course another that I have used, “Did it hurt when you fell? Cause your an angel and it is a long fall from heaven!” Mostly I throw these out to get good service from waitress’s… well it worked on my wife (grin)

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I worked with some younger emplyoees the other day and this one lady said, “Your the shit!” Well, I wondered what I did wrong and eventually asked her what was wrong cause I thought we were working well together. She informed me that now a days, “The Shit.” is a good thing. I was relieved cause when I grew up… ‘the shit’ … stunk!

If I had a garden, I’d put your Tulips and my Tulips together…

I just moved you to the top of my ‘To Do’ list…

Is your Dad a terrorist? Cause you’re Da’ bomb!

what has 42 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk?  My Zipper!

Hey baby, you must be a General, cause you’re making my privates stand at attention!

Can I take your picture? So I can show folks what I want for Christmas!

How about you and I find a dark-room and see what developes.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put ‘u’ and ‘I’ together.

Is that a mirror in your pocket cause I see myself in your pants.

I may not be Fred Flinstone but I bet I can make your Bed Rock!

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 want to make a lampshade out of your skin… cause you light up my life!

time out

Growing up, I can’t ever recall being spanked by my mother, (THAT WAS MY FATHER’S JOB) however I do recall the long drawn out lectures she would give me. I would practically beg for a quick spanking than to have to hear a ten minute story about what I had done wrong. This was back when standing in the corner was a frequent punishment. Now – a – days there is… TIME OUT.

I am not sure who came up with this idea. I have used the time out method on a foster child we had. He was so inventive, he could take a piece of paper and craft an army with it and play battle in the hall. He would take pieces of the carpet and make a rope. He actually enjoyed time outs so much I thought he got in trouble just to have alone time.

I know each child is different for lil sunshine thinks the world has ended if she has to do a time out. She will be silent for days afterwards, like she is punishing me back for doing such a thing to her.

But, as an adult, I enjoy my own time outs. That time when the world is silent and I am alone with my thoughts. I could vision a life of time out, but that seems alot like the monastaries that practice silence. Just food for thought.

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[to his teacher] “I’m 1 year old bitch but I KNOW not to take this note home.. this is an ass whoopin’ you’re pinning on my shirt.” — MIKE EPPS

“Do you realize that if the pilgrims have been chasing bobcats instead of turkeys.. we’d all be eating pussy on Thanksgiving?!” — Redd Foxx

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off –  don’t worry, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

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A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.”

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Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard.” Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after, all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

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take ‘time out’ to laugh today

kids say the darndest thing

I took little sunshine fishing at th unit. We were fishing for large mouth bass (black bass) I walked to the truck to get a cigar and instructed her to watch the fishing poles. When I began walking back from the truck I saw her reeling in a fish. The big pole and the fighting fish was a challenge for her but she prevailed and dragged an eight pound bass on shore.

Needless to say she was pround, she had caught the biggest fish of the day and probably for years to come. When we got home she ran in the house and exclaimed, “I caught a big ‘wide’ mouth bass.”

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There was two little boys who were to be in a wedding. Ring bearer and lower child. They were all dressed up and played their parts perfectly. When the wedding was over, they talked about how much fun they had and hoped they could do this many more times.

“How many times can you get married?” One boy asked.

“That’s easy… the preacher said… ‘4’ better or worse, ‘4’richer or pourer,… at least that many times.”

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have a humorous day

life savers

First off, I apologize for neglecting this blog; Fishing for chuckles. I have been very busy with family and work and to be totally honest (fishing season = already cleaned 93 fish this year = hence the word cleaned… not kept/ most were friends and family)

But, I owe a lot to those who saved my brother from his heart attack and car accident combination. He could be dead if it were not for those who saved his life. The person who called the wreck in, the one who responded, the officers and the wrecker driver. The EMT’s, the life flight helicopter, the doctors who put him back together and the nurses who cared for him. (this list does not do justice for those who brought him back to life)

They are life savers… the flavor of savior … bows humble (~_~)

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A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste)
Of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red………………….Cherry
Yellow………………Lemon
Green………………..Lime
Orange……………Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.
‘Well,’ she said, ‘I will give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.’
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled,
‘Oh my God!! They’re assholes!’

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A blonde is working as a lifeguard at a swimming pool when a girl begins to drown, screaming “lifesaver! lifesaver!”

The blonde thinks for a moment, and then asks “cherry or grape?”

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Really Good DeedThis guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book. He’s checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, “You know, I can’t see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.

Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you’re in.”

The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Well, there was this one time when I was drivin’ down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that’s what they were doing. There were about 50 of ’em torturing this chick.

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.

So I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'”

St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, “Really? Wow, when did all this happen?”

“Er.. about two minutes ago.”

 
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have a humorous day
 

wooden floors

I was putting in a wooden floor in a friend of mines house this last weekend. We did the whole living room and then took a break, to finish the rest the next day. I took my lil girl with me the next day and we walked into the house. She noticed right away that the carpet was gone. I told her I put the wood in the floor. She looked puzzled. She looked at the door then at the floor and then at me.

“How did you get the wood through the door?” She asked. She thought it was all one piece. She didn’t realize the wooden floor was put in one board at a time, she thought we some how carried the whole floor into the house and layed it down.

I did not know I had the ability to invent words… when I hit my finger with the hammer!

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Q: How did Pinocchio find out that he was made of wood?

A: His hand caught on fire.

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Why are husbands like hard wood flooring?

If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them.

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A man in a bar, after several drinks, began bragging that he could identify any type of wood by its smell only. The patrons of the bar decided to test him. The man was blindfolded and presented with several
pieces of wood.
First they tried maple. He smelled it and said, “That’s maple.”

They then tried ebony; he again smelled it and named the wood correctly.
He did this with ever piece of wood they brought before him.
The bartender then got an idea to trick him. And they took one of the waitresses and put her crotch up to his nose.

He sniffed for a while. “Boy,” he said “this is difficult, flip that board over and let me smell the other side.”
So they took they waitress and put her ass near his nose.
He took a big whiff, started to smile and said, “You guys can’t fool me! That is the shit house door from a tuna boat!”

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have a good day

Confucius

Confucius say too damn much.

Is Confucius a derivative of confused? I know the best thing about eating at an Asian restaurant is the fortune cookies. I don’t know when they began putting lottery numbers on the back of them but I can tell you this, they might be the winning numbers but it would help if they would tell you when to play them.

Confucius was China’s most famous Philosopher. He lived in Ancient China during the Zhou Dynasty. Confucius was a government official, and during his lifetime (he lived from 551 to 479 B.C. ) he saw growing disorder and chaos in the system.

I am a great fan of the humor in confucious sayings… and there are a lot of them. So if you have a good one, that is not posted on this post, please leave it in the comment section!

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While traveling through an arid region with his students one day Confucius, suffering from intense thirst, was offered a bowl full of water collected by a disciple from a rain puddle. He immediately emptied the bowl on the ground. “It would be too much for one, too little for all,” he declared. “Let us continue our journey.”

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Confucius say, woman who go camping must beware of evil intent.

When called an idiot sometimes is better to be quiet than to open mouth and remove all doubt.

Wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Woman laid in tomb may soon become mummy.

and I use this one a lot…

Don’t sweat the petty stuff … and don’t pet the sweaty stuff.

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what did the monkey say to the leopard at the card game?

“I thought you were a cheetah!”

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may you day be filled with wisdom