a box of cigars

My wife’s birthday is in the first week in Janurary. Last night the kids and I were talking about the presents they had recieved from Santa. My wife blurts out, “What did you get me for my Birthday,” trying to be funny.

I replied, “What I got you for your Birthday, I wanted really bad,”

My little girl didn’t miss a beat. She blurted out, “You got mamma a box of cigars?” She knows I love a good cigar and didn’t get any for Christmas this year. We all laughed. (Yes. I smoke cigars) I haven’t smoked cigarettes since the 90’s. I always wanted to be like Mark Twain, but never could get my hair to friz out (grin).

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The defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was very concerned about the outcome of his case.  ”If I lose, I’ll be ruined,” he said to his lawyer.

“It’s in the judge’s hands now,” his advocate explained.

“Would it help if I sent His Honor a box of cigars?” wondered the defendant.  

His attorney was horrified at the suggestion and urgently counseled his client against such behavior.  ”This judge is a stickler for ethics. You shouldn’t even smile at him!  And sending him a box of cigars would completely prejudice him against your case. He might even find you in contempt of court  ”

Two days later, the judge rendered a decision — in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, “Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It certainly worked.”

“I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent those cigars,” said the lawyer.

“But I did send them!” said the defendant.  ”That’s how we won the case.  I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find and enclosed the plaintiff’s business card.” 

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Cigar Crime Doesn’t Pay…

In Charlotte, North Carolina, a man with a passion for fine cigars figured out a way to get his smokes for free.  He purchased a case of 2 dozen very, rare, very costly cigars.  Like many people with objects of great value, he had them insured.  Nothing odd in that…except he had them insured against fire!  

It took the man less than a month to consume his stockpile, and although he hadn’t even paid a single premium on his new policy, he filed a claim with the insurance company.  He stated that his property had been lost “in a series of small fires.”  

Obviously, the insurance company balked, saying that the cigars had been consumed in a normal fashion. He called in his lawyers, they called in their lawyers.  He sued…and, much to everyone’s surprise, he WON!

In his ruling, the judge stated that the insurance company had issued a valid policy that warranted the cigars as insurable and guaranteed payment in the even of “loss by fire.”  The policy didn’t define an “acceptable” fire, so it was considered to be in force and the company was obliged to compensate the man for his “loss.”

Given the time and costs of a lengthy appeal, the insurance company felt it was more cost-effective to accept the judge’s ruling and paid $15,000 to their client for his “loss.”

But wait.  After our “hero” cashed his check, he was arrested – on 24 counts of arson!  The prosecution used the man’s own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case to prove that he had intentionally destroyed valuable property.  He was sentenced to 2 decades in prison – 24 consecutive l-year terms.

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confuse Santa

Twenty ways to confuse Santa

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he’s in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say “We hate Christmas,” and “Go away Santa.”

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

9. While he’s in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn’t have missed that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, “For The Tooth Fairy. :)” Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, “For Santa. :(“

11. Take everything out of your house as if it’s just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, “Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime.”

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

13. While he’s in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa’s sure to see them. Go outside, yell, “Ooh! Look! A deer! And he’s got a red nose!” and fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you’ve moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you’re sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

17. Leave out a Santa suit, with an attached dry-cleaning bill.

18. Paint “hoof-prints” all over your face and clothes. While he’s in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you’ve been “trampled.” Threaten to sue for personal injury.

19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, “This neighborhood ain’t big enough for the both of us.

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mery christmas

indian weather rock

Okay, as I said before, I generally always make something for folks during Christmas. This year I have decided to hand out rocks. y wife collects stones for her jewelry making. We bought a bag of larger stones that make good necklaces, they are polished and have an assortment of colors, shapes and sizes.

When I told my wife I needed them for Christmas presents the kids just melted. They just know they are getting rocks for Christmas. But what they don’t know is how. I take three sticks and make a tripod fastened together securely and from them will hang this stone by a string (in the center of the three sticks.

It is an Indian weather rock. Leave this outside and if you want to know what the weather is like, simply look at it. If the rock is wet, it is raining. If the rock is white, it is snowing. If the rock is shining the sun is shining. If the rock is swinging it is windy.

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How They Forecast a Cold Winter

One day in early September the chief of a Native American tribe was asked by his tribal elders if the winter of 2011/12 was going to be cold or mild.  The chief asked his medicine man, but he too had lost touch with the reading signs from the natural world around the Great Lakes.

In truth, neither of them had idea about how to predict the coming winter.  However, the chief decided to take a modern approach, and the chief rang the National Weather Service in Gaylord Michigan.Christmas Funny Stories and Jokes

‘Yes, it is going to be a cold winter,’ the meteorological officer told the chief.  Consequently, he went back to his tribe and told the men to collect plenty of firewood.

A fortnight later the chief called the Weather Service and asked for an update. ‘Are you still forecasting a cold winter?’ he asked.

‘Yes, very cold’, the weather officer told him.

As a result of this brief conversation the chief went back to the tribe and told his people to collect every bit of wood they could find.

A month later the chief called the National Weather Service once more and asked about the coming winter. ‘Yes,’ he was told, ‘it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.’

‘How can you be so sure?’ the chief asked.

The weatherman replied: ‘Because the Native Americans of the Great Lakes are collecting wood like crazy.’

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Sarah new young bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, ‘Richard doesn’t appreciate what I do for him.’

‘Now, now,’ her mother comforted, ‘I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.’

‘No, mother, you don’t understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price.’

‘Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate,’ says her mum.  ‘Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.’

‘No, mother it wasn’t the price of the turkey.  It was the airplane ticket.’  “Airplane ticket….” What did you need an airplane ticket for?’

‘Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said: “Prepare from a frozen state,” so I flew to Alaska.’

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have a laughing good day

the christmas tree

I bet y now every one has a tree up. Most put them up right after christmas, or at least we did. The kids made ornaments at school the last couple of years and even though thy look like they could use a make over, we put them on the tree.

I always liked, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vaction, when the squirrel runs rampid through the house. Brought in from the christmas tree and the ols man sleeps through it all. Funny stuff. The dog drinks from the bottom bowl of the tree. It is a funny movie.

How many of you make pop corn sreamers to wrap around the tree. I would but the dog would probably bring the tree down trying to eat it. We did the candy cane thing last year and by the time christmas got here all the candy was gone. And of course the best part of the christmas tree is the presents underneath it.

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WHY IS A CHRISTMAS TREE BETTER THAN A MAN

  1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
  2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
  3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
  4. A Christmas tree always looks good – even with the lights on.
  5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
  6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
  7. A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you break one of its balls.
  8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it’s past its ‘sell by’ date.
  9. You don’t have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.

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10 Things that Sound Dirty at Christmas, But Aren’t

  • 10. Did you get any under the tree?
  • 9. I think your balls are hanging too low.
  • 8. Check out Rudolph’s Honker!
  • 7. Santa’s sack is really bulging.
  • 6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.
  • 5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
  • 4. I love licking the end till it’s really sharp and pointy.
  • 3. From here you can’t tell if they’re artificial or real.
  • 2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?
  • 1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.

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10 Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman

  • 10. A Christmas tree doesn’t care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
  • 09. Christmas trees don’t get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
  • 08. A Christmas tree doesn’t care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
  • 07. A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you break one of its balls.
  • 06. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
  • 05. A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you look up underneath it.
  • 04. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
  • 03. A Christmas tree doesn’t get jealous around other Christmas trees.
  • 02. A Christmas tree doesn’t care if you watch football all day.
  • 01. A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

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John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. “Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?”

“Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”

“He’s an asshole,” John said. “Piss on him.”

“You did,” came the reply. “And he fired you.”

“Well, screw him!” said John.

“I did. You’re back at work on Monday.”

Grandma got run over by a reindeer

What sets off the Christmas season better than songs and movies. Grandma got run over by a reindeer was first a song then a movie. There have been a lot of movies inspired this way. One of my Favorites is “Deck the Halls.” Of course we all know Rudolph the red nosed reindeer and there are many more. I hope that each and every one of you get to enjoy this christmas season. I know I will, having little ones seems to make christmas that much brighter, lord knows I have had my share of dark christmas’s.

Last year an elf must have been getting under the tree and unwrapping presents to see what we got the kids so Santa wouldn’t bring them the same thing. Cause they was unwrapped and re-wrapped horribly. Of course the kids blamed the cat.

But going to grandma’s for christmas is always the big thing here. Grandma always has toys for every one. Hope she doesn’t get run over by a reindeer this year. Load your shotguns and tie down your granny and hide the egg nog, cause Santa is a reckless driver. (grin)

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Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents.  At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

“I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE…
I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO…
I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR…”

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, “Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn’t deaf.”  To which the little brother replied, “No, but Gramma is!”

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Christmas Fireman

In a small Southern town there was a “Nativity Scene” that showed   great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature  bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets.  Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a “Quick Stop” on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, “You damn Yankees never do read the Bible!” I assured her that I did, but simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said
“See, it says right here,  ‘The three wise man came from afar.'”

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A texas elf

have a merry ole day

Santa Claus is coming

Well, here it is, the month of December and we all know what that means…

Santa Claus is coming to town

 I remember when we lived in Panama (my Dad was in the air force and we were stationed there) A man came to visit my Dad. He was a “Blue Angels” pilot. He brought me a model of the Blue Angels jet. It was an exciting night as we sat around waiting for Santa Claus to come house to house and ask the kids on the base what they wanted for Christmas.

When Santa arrived, the jeep pulled up to the house and Santa got out, came in the house and my brother and I nearly fainted. He sat down and I sat on his lap and told him what I wanted for Christmas. That was when I noticed that Santa’s tummy buttons on his coat had come un-done and a pillow was sticking out of his coat. I was told many things, like; He was a Santa Helper, He had lost a lot of weight and wanted to keep up his appearance of being a jolly Santa and of course the Blue Angel pilot had the best answer of all, He was flying Santa around and wanted Santa to have extra padding in case they crashed. (grin)

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What does Santa use when he goes fishing?
His north pole!

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Santa stats


There are currently 78 people named S. Claus
living in the U.S. — and one Kriss Kringle.
(You gotta wonder about that one kid’s parents)

December is the most popular month for nose jobs.

Weight of Santa’s sleigh loaded with one Beanie Baby
for every kid on earth: 333,333 tons.

Number of reindeer required to pull a 333,333-ton s
sleigh: 214,206 — plus Rudolph.

Average wage of a mall Santa: $11 an hour.
With real beard: $20.

To deliver his gifts in one night, Santa would have to
make 822.6 visits per second, sleighing at 3,000 times
the speed of sound.

At that speed, Santa and his reindeer would burst into flame
instantaneously.

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Q: Why does Santa wear pink underwear?
A: He’s a man. He did all his laundry in the one load.

They say that Santa comes but once a year. I can’t understand that, considering all the bedrooms he visits.

What do you call someone who doesn’t believe in Father Christmas?
A rebel without a Claus!

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What did Santa say to the three girls on the street corner…

Ho Ho Ho

How do Chihuahua’s say Merry Christmas?
Fleas Navidog!

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I told Santa you were good this year….and

He hasn’t stopped laughing since!

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ho ho ho and away we go… into the holiday season

John Wayne

John Wayne

Born: 1907  ……Died: 1979

My step father use to do John Wayne impressions. He was really good at this, mainly due to the fact he looked and walked like the movie star already. I remember the one line he always use to say, in his John Wayne voice…

“Gotta go down to the corral and wrestle me a grizzly and kiss me a pretty girl. I hope I don’t get them mixed up this time.” As kids we would laugh loudly and encourage him to do more.

My wife and I watched Mclintock the other day and we laughed at the part where John Wayne chased his wife all over town to spank her into submission. He catches her and draws a hand back to spank her and some one grabs his hand to stop him… only to place a scoop in his hand to paddle her with.

well, look what I found… this is the funny part (grin)

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John Wayne Toilet Paper

  An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The clerk asks if he would like no name, Charmin, or White Cloud.
“White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper,” says the Indian. “How much is it?”
“$1.00 a roll,” the clerk replies.
“That seems pretty expensive,” responds the Indian. “What about the others?”
“Charmin is $2.00 a roll and no name is 50 cents a roll.”
The Indian doesn’t have much money so he opts for the no name.
Within a few hours he is back at the trading post. “I have a name for the no name toilet paper,” he announces to the clerk. “We shall call it John Wayne.”
“Why?” asks the confused clerk.
“Cause it’s rough and it’s tough and it don’t take no crap off an Indian.”

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I found these ‘John Wayne’ quotes

If you’ve got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

***

I stick to simple themes. Love. Hate. No nuances. I stay away from psychoanalyst’s couch scenes. Couches are good for one thing.

***

I’ve always followed my father’s advice: he told me, first to always keep my word and, second, to never insult anybody unintentionally. If I insult you, you can be goddamn sure I intend to. And, third, he told me not to go around looking for trouble.

***

Life is tough, but it’s tougher when you’re stupid.

***

I never trust a man that doesn’t drink.

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“I’m John Wayne at the first thanksgiving, PILGRAMS! happy thanksgiving, PILGRAMS!”

 (The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance – Reportedly he used the expression “Pilgrim”, as in “tenderfoot” or “dude” or “amateur”, 23 times in that film. It became a catchphrase for impressionists such as John Byner, and Rich Little)

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Mrs. John Wayne Bobbit was driving along when she threw her husbands dink out the window. Two guys were driving behind her when it suddenly landed on their windshield. One guy says to the other “Did you see that misquito.” and the other guy says “Misquito nothing, did you see the size of his DINK.”

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….a man has got to have a code, a creed to live by….

have a memorable day