Osama fish story

When somebody brags about catching a huge record breaking trophy fish, and then throwing it back into the sea. You just have to believe them. From the Obama Administration’s claim that they got Osama, and then they buried him at sea so he will never be seen again. You just have to believe them.
 
example:
John bragged that he caught a record breaking marlin that was so huge that it HAD to have been a record breaker, however, he released it back into the sea. You just had to have been there. WHAT AN OSAMA FISH STORY!!!!
 
Now, years ago, probably the early eighties, I went fishing with my step-father, George and we landed a 72 lb catfish. With large fish like this you should tie them off in the water and allow them to live a few days and work off the excess fat. So, we did, we weighed the fish, tied it off and went to church. When we got back we took the fish out of the water and hung it from the pier so we could get pictures. We took some pics and the fish began to swing and flop around and the nylon rope broke and the huge catfish landed on the pier and slitthered back into the water. This would be an Osama Fish Story except one thing… I have pictures of the monster fish that we some how named Walter.
 
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Some fishing stories are a little hard to believe, But this guy has pictures to prove his story… Tom Satre told the Sitka Gazette that he was out with a charter group on his 62-foot fishing vessel when four juvenile black-tailed deer swam directly toward his boat. “Once the deer reached the boat, the four began to circle the boat, looking directly at us. We could tell right away that the young bucks were distressed. I opened up my back gate and we helped the typically skittish and absolutely wild animals onto the boat. In all my years fishing, I’ve never seen anything quite like it! “Once on-board, they collapsed with exhaustion, shivering. We headed for Taku Harbour. Once we reached the dock, the first buck that we had been pulled from the water hopped onto the dock, looked back as if to say ‘thank you’ and disappeared into the forest.”……
 
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John: I cant believe Osama is dead…

Jule: What?  What happenedd?

John: Where have you been?  He was killed last night.

Julie: You’re kidding me.  The President is dead?

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  • In other news, Chuck Norris returns from vacationing in Pakistan.
  • I would make an Osama joke but they’ve probably all Bin done.
“Apparently, members of Al Qaeda are online slamming the U.S. I don’t understand why the terrorists are so mad about Osama bin Laden’s death. Everybody in Al Qaeda just got a promotion.” —Craig Ferguson

Just when you thought things could not get worse for Osama. You know those 72 virgins he was expecting? Turns out it’s just one 72-year-old virgin.

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fishin’ for chuckles
 
have a quality day
 

life savers

First off, I apologize for neglecting this blog; Fishing for chuckles. I have been very busy with family and work and to be totally honest (fishing season = already cleaned 93 fish this year = hence the word cleaned… not kept/ most were friends and family)

But, I owe a lot to those who saved my brother from his heart attack and car accident combination. He could be dead if it were not for those who saved his life. The person who called the wreck in, the one who responded, the officers and the wrecker driver. The EMT’s, the life flight helicopter, the doctors who put him back together and the nurses who cared for him. (this list does not do justice for those who brought him back to life)

They are life savers… the flavor of savior … bows humble (~_~)

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A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste)
Of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red………………….Cherry
Yellow………………Lemon
Green………………..Lime
Orange……………Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.
‘Well,’ she said, ‘I will give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.’
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled,
‘Oh my God!! They’re assholes!’

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A blonde is working as a lifeguard at a swimming pool when a girl begins to drown, screaming “lifesaver! lifesaver!”

The blonde thinks for a moment, and then asks “cherry or grape?”

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Really Good DeedThis guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book. He’s checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, “You know, I can’t see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.

Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you’re in.”

The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Well, there was this one time when I was drivin’ down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that’s what they were doing. There were about 50 of ’em torturing this chick.

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.

So I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'”

St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, “Really? Wow, when did all this happen?”

“Er.. about two minutes ago.”

 
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have a humorous day
 

2,011 fish

Well, it looks as though we made it through another year. 2011 was a good year for fishing, we (my wife and I… she is the fishing master) counted over 200 by June and stopped counting. There were many days that I came home and she had filled the ice chest with fish that day while I was at work. Or (I go to bed early and wake up at 4 am so she will turn the lights on and fish at night) and that morning there will be fish to clean before I go to work.

The river is just behind the house and I always invite Friends and co-workers to come over and fish. I recall a couple of funny events from last year…

Officer Rouse and a couple others came over one day and while we were fishing Ms. Rouse (my lil girl calls her Ms. Bling Bling, cause; she was given jewelry by her and she wears a fair amount of bling) any way, Ms. Rouse (Ms. Bling Bling) was having a hard time, she was getting her line stuck/ snagged on under-water logs several times.

She told me she was hung again and I took her pole and began to pull. The line went to the right, then to the left. I handed her the pole back and told her she was not stuck, she had a big fish on the line. She fought with the reel and got the fish in eventually, enough that I got a net under it and brought it in.

Here is the picture of me holding her fish and Officer Rouse (Ms. Bling Bling) who caught the fish and sent me this picture she got off her phone. This was a good day of fishing with Friends. I know we didn’t catch 2,011 fish but I bet we had more than that in smiles.

I was fishing at the prison with a good Friend, Mr. Little, on the ten acre pond. I had caught a nice size Bass and it had gotten hung up in the weeds. I didn’t pull and break the line, instead, I handed the pole to Jerry and went into the water after it. I got about knee deep when the local pond gator came over out of curiosity (a 12 foot alligator that came from the river, probably to lay her eggs). Mr. Little (Jerry) told me the gator was about thirty feet out.

I replied, “I’ll fight that gator for this fish,” cause by now I could see the fish and it was big. I went out about waist deep and the gator went under water. I was nervous but determined. I retrieved the bass and raised it up. It was an eight pound large mouth bass. Probably the biggest I have ever caught, a nice fish for 2011. Later the gator came and taste tested Jerry’s bobber but spit it out.

These are some good memories of fishing 2011, along with a 4 pound crappie I caught on the same pond with Sgt. Dudley at another time. I hope 2012 will be just as glamorous and prosperous as I will continue to fish and I will also be… fishin’ for chuckles.

Looking forward to fishing 2012.

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One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.

It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year-old had been staring at th e plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, “Good morning, Alex.”

“Good morning,” replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.

“What is this?” Alex asked.

“Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex’s voice was trembling and barely audible when he asked, “Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?”

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There was a man who one day didnt feel like going to church so he decided to go hunting instead.

He was out in the bush when he was aproched from behind by a bear. He dropped his gun by accident but didnt bother to pick it up.

He ran for his life. Weaving in and out the trees with the bear on his trail. Curving around a tree he triped over its root.

He looked up and the bear looked down. The bear was about to strike at him. He put his hands together and prayed:

“Dear lord, Please let this bear be a christian.”

the bear sat down on its bum and held the mans hands, closed his eyes and said: “Dear lord, Thankyou for the food that i am about to recieve”

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happy 2012

 

Santa Claus is coming

Well, here it is, the month of December and we all know what that means…

Santa Claus is coming to town

 I remember when we lived in Panama (my Dad was in the air force and we were stationed there) A man came to visit my Dad. He was a “Blue Angels” pilot. He brought me a model of the Blue Angels jet. It was an exciting night as we sat around waiting for Santa Claus to come house to house and ask the kids on the base what they wanted for Christmas.

When Santa arrived, the jeep pulled up to the house and Santa got out, came in the house and my brother and I nearly fainted. He sat down and I sat on his lap and told him what I wanted for Christmas. That was when I noticed that Santa’s tummy buttons on his coat had come un-done and a pillow was sticking out of his coat. I was told many things, like; He was a Santa Helper, He had lost a lot of weight and wanted to keep up his appearance of being a jolly Santa and of course the Blue Angel pilot had the best answer of all, He was flying Santa around and wanted Santa to have extra padding in case they crashed. (grin)

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What does Santa use when he goes fishing?
His north pole!

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Santa stats


There are currently 78 people named S. Claus
living in the U.S. — and one Kriss Kringle.
(You gotta wonder about that one kid’s parents)

December is the most popular month for nose jobs.

Weight of Santa’s sleigh loaded with one Beanie Baby
for every kid on earth: 333,333 tons.

Number of reindeer required to pull a 333,333-ton s
sleigh: 214,206 — plus Rudolph.

Average wage of a mall Santa: $11 an hour.
With real beard: $20.

To deliver his gifts in one night, Santa would have to
make 822.6 visits per second, sleighing at 3,000 times
the speed of sound.

At that speed, Santa and his reindeer would burst into flame
instantaneously.

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Q: Why does Santa wear pink underwear?
A: He’s a man. He did all his laundry in the one load.

They say that Santa comes but once a year. I can’t understand that, considering all the bedrooms he visits.

What do you call someone who doesn’t believe in Father Christmas?
A rebel without a Claus!

““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““

What did Santa say to the three girls on the street corner…

Ho Ho Ho

How do Chihuahua’s say Merry Christmas?
Fleas Navidog!

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I told Santa you were good this year….and

He hasn’t stopped laughing since!

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ho ho ho and away we go… into the holiday season

Holy Moly it’s Sunday

 
 
 
Holy Moly it’s Sunday
 
Most folk will probably be going to church today. I will be going to work. I usually go fishing because I find that being out in nature is like spending time in heaven and there-fore I call it my sunday school.
 
I do recall a funny that the preacher had told us when we took the kids to the Baptist Church down the road. He had told us about how he and his brother fought all the time like brothers do. And when they got a little older, in their teens the fights got more intense.
 
One day he and his brother had gotten into a fight and their mother went to break it up and she told them that if they didn’t stop fighting she was going to make them kiss and make up, by this she said she will have them kiss on the lips. Well, the preacher said from then on he and his brother never fist fought again.
 
I tried this with my kids and it works breaking them up but they seem to end up fighting now and again, like boys do.
 
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This lady surprised a burglar in her kitchen. He was all loaded down with the things he was going to steal. She had no weapon and was all alone. The only thing that she could think to do was quote scripture. So, she holds up a hand and says, “ACTS 2:38!”

The burglar quakes in fear and then freezes to the point that she is able to get to the phone and call 911 for the cops. When the cops arrive, the burglar is still frozen in place. They are very much surprised that a woman alone with no weapon could do this. One of them asked the lady: “How did you do this?”

The woman replied, “I quoted scripture.” The cop turned to the burglar and asked, “What was it about the scripture that had such an effect on you?”

The burglar replied, “Scripture! What scripture? I thought she said she had an ax and two 38’s.”

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Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, “Jesus, I’ve suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Viet Nam war. Could you help me?”

“Of course my son,” Jesus said. When Jesus touched the man’s back, the man felt relief for the first time in years.

The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man’s glasses and tossed them in the lake. When the glasses hit the water, the man’s eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively, “Don’t touch me! I’m on long-term disability.”

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 don’t forget to laugh at life…

 

Have a humorous day

 

the funny bone

I don’t know why they call it a funny bone. The bone at the elbow, the one that always seems to get hit. I have never felt that it was humorous when I hit this bone. In fact, it hurts. The only thing funny about it is when someone else hits their funny bone and I get to say, that’s funny.

Now they have the nerve to tell me it is actually a nerve, not a bone at all. You know, it still doesn’t make it funny. How is it we find humor when others injure themselves. You know, I am as guilty as the next. They build entire movie plots around somebody getting hurt in order to make you laugh. Now that is food for thought.

LOOK; they have us eating our funny bones, is that cannibalistic? You and I know that this is made from flour and sugar, but they pinned it with a name from the human anatomy. This makes it more desirable? Now that is food for thought/ or rather food for someone who likes the idea of eating other people, (which is not always a bad thing, depending on what part of the anatomy we place our mouths) So, does it make it any better to say, “I eat at the Y. Hey the YMCA has a buffet today! Breasts, thighs and a funny bone.”

Here’s another one for you, HOT DOGS. Now who in their right mind (not intending to offend our Asian brothers and sisters) would eat a dog. Yet, people actually line up to eat, HOT DOGS.

I had cat tacos once. I worked in California with some crop dusters and we went over the tahachipi mountains to Mohave. We were on the runway (airstrip) when this old Hispanic woman came riding up on her bike/ food cart. I was hungry and ordered two tacos, while the pilot and hanger crew said they were not hungry, which I found was odd since they just got through saying they were hungry. Well I was starved and ate the two tacos faster than a car can loose its tires in the hood. The crew was laughing and told me they were cat tacos. I thought the hamburger seemed strange but well seasoned. I asked the woman what kind of meat she used and she replied, “Ga to!” Mexican for … yep, you guessed it, CAT!

 

So, now I notice they have a comedy club called; The Funny Bone. I am sure they have some awesome and talented comedians perform there and they are even a franchise chain across the country. But here’s the thing, the funny bone is not funny when it gets hit. That’s all I am saying.

 

have a laugh today

hunting for a chuckle

 “Look, nothing personal. I’m a pointer, I point and besides, I don’t like the taste of rabbit”

(this picture drawn by Art~)

 

One morning, a father and his young son were in the forest hunting rabbits. After about an hour, they finally came across some rabbit tracks. In between the tracks, there were these little round brown pellets, and the son said to his father, “Dad, what are those?”

The father replied, “Those are smart pills. Try a couple.” So the kid grabbed a couple of them and put them in his mouth. The boy made a funny face and said to his dad, “Ewww! Yuk! They taste like s**t.”

The father replied, “See, you’re getting smarter already.”

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A married couple went on a fishing trip. The husband went out on the lake with his boat and equipment, while the wife took a nap in the cabin. Later that afternoon, the husband returns to take a nap. So, the wife takes the boat to the middle of the lake, takes out a book and starts reading.

After a while a game warden comes along in his boat and tells her that she is in a restricted fishing area. She says that she is not fishing, just reading a book.

“But, you have all this fishing equipment, so I will have to fine you.” said the game warden.

She replied, “Do that, and I’ll have you arrested for rape.”

“But lady! I haven’t touched you!” exclaimed the game warden.

At which she replied, “Yes. But, YOU have all the right equipment.”

 

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A farmer was having problems with a bear climbing up his tree in the back yard, so he hired this guy who came very highly recommended to catch the bear.

The hunter came with a shotgun, rope, and a small dog. He gave the shotgun to the farmer and said, “Stay down here and I’ll climb the tree, and shake the branches. When the bear falls, my dog will bite on his nuts, and while the bear is in agony, I’ll come down and tie him up with the rope. Okay?”

The farmer nodded his head and asked, “But what is the shotgun for?”

The hunter replied, “Well, sometimes I fall off the tree. In that case, shoot the dog – fast!”

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