the Airport frenzy

I remember the good ole days when you arrived at the airport 15 minutes till your flight and ran up, bought a ticket and then ran to the terminal and got on the plane. No more! I took my father-in-law to the airport one hour and fifteen minutes before his flight and he nearly missed the flight due to the lines to be searched. Security is never convenient.

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Allegedly a true story from the old airport in Denver: a major airline had cancelled a very busy flight and a lone check-in agent is busy trying to sort out all the displaced passengers. A very angry and aggressive man barges his way to the front of the queue to confront her. He says says that he is flying first class and demands to go on the flight.

The agent politely explains the situation and asks that people take their place in the queue.

The man bellows at her, “Do you know who I am?” – at which the agent calmly picks up the microphone for the PA system, and announces to the airport,

“This is (airline name) desk 64; we have a gentleman here who does not know who he is. If anyone can come and identify him please do so.”

The man, now purple with rage, yells at her, “Well f**k you..” – to

which the agent replies, “And you’ll have to stand in line for that as well, Sir..”

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According to “The Australian,” an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight.

The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign.

The vibration stopped immediately.

A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.

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The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.

Speedbird 206: “Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active.”

Ground: “Good Morning, taxi to your gate.” The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”

Speedbird 206: “Stand by, ground, I’m looking up the gate location now.”

Ground (impatiently): “Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?”

Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, in 1944. But I didn’t stop”.

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Have a nice flight

(~_~)

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Confucius

Confucius say too damn much.

Is Confucius a derivative of confused? I know the best thing about eating at an Asian restaurant is the fortune cookies. I don’t know when they began putting lottery numbers on the back of them but I can tell you this, they might be the winning numbers but it would help if they would tell you when to play them.

Confucius was China’s most famous Philosopher. He lived in Ancient China during the Zhou Dynasty. Confucius was a government official, and during his lifetime (he lived from 551 to 479 B.C. ) he saw growing disorder and chaos in the system.

I am a great fan of the humor in confucious sayings… and there are a lot of them. So if you have a good one, that is not posted on this post, please leave it in the comment section!

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While traveling through an arid region with his students one day Confucius, suffering from intense thirst, was offered a bowl full of water collected by a disciple from a rain puddle. He immediately emptied the bowl on the ground. “It would be too much for one, too little for all,” he declared. “Let us continue our journey.”

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Confucius say, woman who go camping must beware of evil intent.

When called an idiot sometimes is better to be quiet than to open mouth and remove all doubt.

Wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Woman laid in tomb may soon become mummy.

and I use this one a lot…

Don’t sweat the petty stuff … and don’t pet the sweaty stuff.

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what did the monkey say to the leopard at the card game?

“I thought you were a cheetah!”

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may you day be filled with wisdom

 

reflections

Well, what did you get for Christmas? I got rocks, a rake, a box and sand, yep, that’s right. A zen garden. I also got a lot of material for drawing and art. Some tools and candy.

I was talking to my mother and she recalled a year when I was younger and she had bought me two little presents because we had no money. I loved the little car that you blow up a balloon and attached it to the car and it made the car go. That was back when life was simple. Now, if the kids don’t get a dozen presents they are upset and with technology the way it is now-a-days, video games and Ipods and mp3 players are the rave.

My little girl got an Mp3 player and downloaded music from the internet, she loves it. I had a wooden jewelry box made at the prison craft shop for my wife and it was a hit. A tiger is on the top, wood burned art with her name on it. All in all it was wonderful, spending it with family and eating till we nearly pop!

I hope every one had a wonderful holiday. I recall those years when I was away from family. I think about our soldiers and those working abroad. I can only say that it makes the time spent with family that much more wonderful. Happy Holidays to all.

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A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises he is lost. He
reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon
further and shouts:

“Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”

The man below says: “yes you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”

“You must work in Information Technology” says the balloonist.
“I do” replies the man. “How did you know.”

“Well” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no bloody use to anyone.”

The man below says “you must work in business.”

“I do” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where the hell you are, or where the hell you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

please don’t fart…

can’t touch this!!!!

get carried away today

cb radio

In case some of you don’t know, CB stands for citizen band. The channels/ radio frequency that are allowed by the government for citizens to use. While other frequencys are for other uses… (don’t ask/ top secret) but we use to have hours of fun with the CB radio as kids and when I was a truck driver well it is a must as a driver for imformation as well as a pass time while driving.

When I was a kid I had the CB handle (name) “Squirrel.”  We would play on the radio in my father’s car. I am sure he enjoyed this as much as we did just to have us out of the house. Then when I was older, truck driving, I went by the CB name “Grasshopper” as in the movie series, ‘Kung Fu.’

I remember when I was driving, being snowed in at a TA truck stop in Dayton Ohio. I couldn’t get my rig to move because the ice had built up on the pavement, frozen solid, one big parking lot of ice. I got on the CB to kill time and wait till it thawed and I could get moving again. One old timer laughed and told me it will be spring time before it thaws. I asked how in the hell am I gonna get this truck moving?

The guy called out on the CB radio PP911. i had no idea what this was. All of a sudden two, three, ten truckers show up and they start peeing on the drive tires to melt the ice. When the ice was melted they hollared get going. I was able to get enough traction to move the big rig out of the parking lot. I hollared on the radio, “Thanks much Amigos, keep it between the ditches and don’t pick up any bad… Bit*#es. The CB radio is a valuble tool when out on the road.

allow me to say this: give truckers a break, ever tried to drive the titanic down a two lane highway? Every thing you buy at the store was hauled by a truck at one time or another, think about that.

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A young kid starting his first job as a waiter in a diner has a big trucker come in and sit down at the counter and order, The trucker says “Gimme 3 flat tires and a couple of headlights.” Bewildered the kid goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, “I think this guy’s in the wrong store, look at what he ordered!” The cook says, “He wants 3 Flapjacks and 2 eggs sunny-side up.” The waiter then takes a bowl of beans to the driver. He looks at it and growls, “What’s this? I didn’t order this!” The kid tells him, “The cook says that while you’re waiting for your parts you might as well gas up while your waiting!”
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An old man was eating in a truck stop when three rough-looking bikers walked in. As they passed the old man, the first biker pushed his cigarette into the old man’s pie, then laughed and took a seat at the counter. The second biker picked up the old man’s milk and spit into it. The third biker turned over the old man’s plate before joining the others at the counter.

Without saying a word to the laughing bikers, the old man put his money down, got up, and left the diner. One of the bikers said to the waitress, “Not much of a man, was he?”

The waitress replied, Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his big rig over three motorcycles!

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A trucker driving along on the freeway notices a road sign in the distance that reads Low Bridge Ahead.

Sure enough, the trucker gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police officer arrives at the scene. The cop gets out of his cruiser and walks around to the truck driver. He puts his hands on his hips and remarks, “Looks like you got stuck, huh?”

The trucker replies sarcastically, No, officer, actually I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of fuel!

a Bill Engval joke…
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have a truckin good time

 

the Big City!

 

I have from time to time
got out on the highway
and gone
to the Big City!

I found things strange,
like talking to a menu,
they’d say, “Drive thru!”
They call it fast food
but it taste like
a big shitty!

At red lights,
People wash your windshield
then put a hand out
for a low five
‘never seen nothing like it
lands sake a live’
another red light spit sheen
raising my fist
“Don’t you dare spit!”
to late …
‘winshield spitty’

When a highway sits
like a parking lot
that’s when I say,
“I have had enough
of the big shitty!”

I can put my arms out
and practically touch
house to house
living on top of one another
crammed so close together
it’s a pity
the way they live
in the big shitty.

It smells like exhaust
and refried beans
every once in a while
I see a surviving tree
living in the big shitty.

I see a flock of pigeons
and it made me smile
finally reached the red light
I’ve been waiting on
for quite awhile.

Giving it the gas
as I leave
hauling ass
‘from’
the Big City!

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An Engineering Student, a Physics Student, and a Mathematics student were each given $150 dollars and were told to use that money to find out exactly how tall a particular hotel was. All three ran off, extremely keen on how to do this.

The physics student went out, purchased some stopwatches, a number of ball bearings, a calculator, and some friends. He had them all time the drop of ball bearings from the roof, and he then figured out the height from the time it took for the bearings to accelerate from rest until they impacted with the sidewalk.

The math student waited until the sun was going down, then she took out her protractor, plumb line, measuring tape,and scratch pad, measured the length of the shadow, found the angle the buildings roof made from the ground, and used trigonometry to figure out the height of the building.

Of course, with all that was involved in getting this experiment done, they were up plenty late studying for other courses’ exams. These two students bumped into the engineering student the next day, who looked quite refreshed. When asked what he did to find the height of the building he replied:

“Well, I walked up to the bell hop, gave him 10 bucks, asked him how tall the hotel was, and went inside for happy hour!”

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A successful engineer flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), “If you don’t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!” So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the engineer, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The engineer thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The engineer got in the first cab in the line, “How much for a ride to the airport,” he asked? “Fifteen bucks,” came the reply. “And how much for you to go down on me (oral sex) during the way?” “What?! Get Out, out of my cab, you scum.” The engineer got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result – getting kicked out of each taxi.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked “How much for a ride to the airport?” The cabbie replied “fifteen bucks.”The engineer said “O.K.” and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the engineer gave a big smile and a big thumbs up.

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have a chuckle a day to keep the doctor away

 

a good ‘Hare’ day

 

 

I remember when I was a kid going to Amarillo Texas for christmas to visit with my grand parents. They lived way out in the country and we would run around the back 4o for a lack of anything better to do. We would spook up a rabbit and chase it. The funny thing was these rabbits only ran a little ways and then would stop. It was like they knew we couldn’t catch them. We would run till we couldn’t run any longer and the rabbits would simply watch us walk back to grandma’s tired.

My son raised a rabbit, his name was thumper because he would thump the ground, strangest thing. I think all rabbits do this like deer and horses paw the earth. I suppose my funniest and favorite recolection of rabbits come from the film, Bambi. Where thumper gets twitterpated. I still get twitterpated (grinin’)

Does any one out there remember ‘Hairy’ the six foot invisible rabbit? I still remember watching that when I was a kid. With Jimmy Stewart and his unique comedian way of acting, the funny thing is that wasn’t acting that was how he was in real life. And what was that christmas movie he was in?

… It’s a wonderful life!

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A married couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman’s biggest fear was there was no heaven. After a long life, the husband was the first to go and true to his word, he made contact with his wife.

“Mary…Mary….”

“Is that you Fred?”

“Yes, I have come back like we agreed.”

“What is it like?”

“Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, I have sex, I bask in the sun, then I have sex-twice. I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon. Supper, then sex till late at night. Sleep then start all over again.”

“Oh, Fred, you surely must be in heaven!”

“No, Mary, I’m a rabbit in Kansas.”

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One day a lady went into a fishing shop to buy her husband a fishing pole for his birthday.

She picked up a really nice looking pole and asked the salesman how much it was. The sales man says, “I am blind but if you give me the pole I can tell how much it is by the weight.”

So the lady gives him the pole and he says, “That pole is worth $45.” She was amazed at how cheap that was.

So then she picked up another really nice pole, hands it to the man and he says, “This pole is worth $55.” she decided that was also really cheap.

And then she picks the nicest looking pole in the place and handed it to the man and he says, “This pole is our best and it is $70.” she told him that she would take it.

As she was getting the fishing pole all rung up, she had to fart really really badly. She decided since the man was blind that it really wouldn’t matter if she farted in front of him so she just let it loose.

All of a sudden the man says, “It all comes up to $80.”

Confused the lady says to him, “But you said the fishing pole was only $70.”

He said, “It is. Its $70 for the fishing pole and $10 for the duck call.”

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I don’t think this was the 60’s … maybe the 70’s

now that’s one big bunny… and this is one scarey hare

………………………..now this easter bunny looks scarey……………..

……………………………………..well, I love tigers so I really liked this one

have a hare-raising day

 

the gambler

 

I am not much on gambling. I have taken my wife to the casino in Louisiana a couple of times. She gets a chuckle from me getting excited when I win fifty dollars on the penny machine and call it quits. While her an her mother win 800.00 dollars on the fifty cent machine. I did win on the roulette wheel. Seems the odds are better and the dice table too. My problem is I don’t bet enough to win anything big. I watched the lady next to me betting one hundred dollars each time the ball went flying and she would win something or another,

As for the casino, my wife and I went there on our Honey Moon. We gambled till about mid-night, went back to the room and dabbled in sparkling wine and strawberries which amazingly is a good combination. I generally don’t drink, I am always the designated driver when we go out with friends. But it was our Honey Moon and we were in for the night. Then we decided to shower. She got in first then I went in and showered with her. Some where in their the faucet handle got broke. I say she did it, she says I did it, but the bottom line was, we could not turn off the water and could not find the valve to turn it off. Hot water just kept pouring out.

I went to the front desk and explained that it just broke. Don’t know how (grin) and they said they would send some one as soon as possible. It was about 20 minutes later a man came knocking on the door. “Maintenance,” so he goes in and he could not get the water to turn off either. He calls his boss who said he would come right over. 20 minutes later another man shows up and now it is well over an hour. I explain that I am on my honey moon and would like this fixed fast or another room. Well it was valentines day weekend and there were no other rooms available. So they call another maintenance man and he comes over and eventually, (2 1/2 hours later) they finally go into the wall and turn the water off. I now go around saying that my wife is the only woman I know that had to have 4 men in the Motel room on her honey moon. (grin)

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A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, tells the teller that she has $5,000,000.00 in cash to be used to open an account. However, before she just hands over that much money, she would like to meet the man who runs things.

The teller calls the bank president, and arranges the meeting. The lady goes into his office, and after introductions are made, the bank president asks the lady how she came to have so much cash on hand.

The lady tells him that she’s an avid gambler. The bank president says “You must be the luckiest person that I’ve ever met, to win so much!” “No” replies the lady, “I will only bet on a sure thing, and since I am somewhat gifted with the ability to see the future, ALL of my bets are sure things.”

The bank president smiles and says “No, it must be luck madam. There is no such thing as a sure thing”. “I’ll prove it!” says the lady. She then closes her eyes and starts to hum softly for about 30 seconds. “O.K…I have looked into your future and I’m afraid there’s bad news. By 8:00 a.m tomorrow, your testicles will have changed shape and will be perfectly square.”

The bank president is starting to think this lady is nuts, so he tells her that he has no more time for this malarkey and he would like for her to leave. The lady refuses, and proposes a wager. The man declines until the old lady says “Look, I’ll bet you $5,000.00 that by 8:00 tomorrow morning, your testicles will be square! What have you got to lose? You claim I can’t win – there’s no such thing as A sure thing…right?” By this the bank pres. is really starting to dislike this old broad, and not only would he enjoy teaching her a lesson, he could use the $5K. “O.K fine!” he yells “You got a bet!”.

“Wonderful!” proclaims the lady, “I’ll see you 1st thing tomorrow. Do you mind if my attorney accompanies me? I always have him present for wagers over $500.00.” The man replies “Lady, I don’t care who you bring, as long as you bring the money!”

That night the bank president has some strange dreams, and what the lady said is really starting to get to him. The next morning, he’s greatly relieved to see that everything is the same shape as always. He dresses, and goes to the bank where he finds the lady and a man waiting for him.

“Well” says the lady, “Do you want to have the money deposited into my new account, or do you have cash?”

The bank pres. smiles and replies “I feel bad doing this, but nutty old dames like you need to be taught a lesson sometimes, and I know that you can afford it, so it is you that must pay. You see, my testicles are the same shape they’ve always been. Not the slightest bit square.” “What!” cries the lady, “That can’t be!! I never imagined that it would come to this, but I won’t pay one cent until I’ve examined the testicles myself!”

The bank pres. blushes with embarrassment, but finally replies “Under the circumstances, I suppose that’s not unreasonable” and with that he drops his pants. The lady gets on her knees to grasp him, and her attorney screams “DAMMIT YOU OLD BAT!! YOU’VE DONE IT TO ME AGAIN!!” and he hands her $15,000.00 in cash.

At this point the bank president is completely lost. “What in the hell was that all about?” he asks. “Oh,” says the lady as she carefully puts the money into her bag “I bet him that I would literally have the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls before 9:00 this morning. So here’s the $5,000.00 that I lost to you, and please add the other $10,000.00 to my new account”

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“This reads; DECISION MAKING…When decisions are not based on information, it is called gambling.”

have a quality day