pick up lines

Okay, be honest, cheesey pick up lines are cute. Do they work? Well, they certainly break the ice. I like the one, “Turn your knob down. Would you like for me to turn your knob down… your switch… your knob… you know, your  cutness knob is turned on high!”

or, “Do your feet hurt? Cause you’ve been running through my mind all night!”

and of course another that I have used, “Did it hurt when you fell? Cause your an angel and it is a long fall from heaven!” Mostly I throw these out to get good service from waitress’s… well it worked on my wife (grin)

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I worked with some younger emplyoees the other day and this one lady said, “Your the shit!” Well, I wondered what I did wrong and eventually asked her what was wrong cause I thought we were working well together. She informed me that now a days, “The Shit.” is a good thing. I was relieved cause when I grew up… ‘the shit’ … stunk!

If I had a garden, I’d put your Tulips and my Tulips together…

I just moved you to the top of my ‘To Do’ list…

Is your Dad a terrorist? Cause you’re Da’ bomb!

what has 42 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk?  My Zipper!

Hey baby, you must be a General, cause you’re making my privates stand at attention!

Can I take your picture? So I can show folks what I want for Christmas!

How about you and I find a dark-room and see what developes.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put ‘u’ and ‘I’ together.

Is that a mirror in your pocket cause I see myself in your pants.

I may not be Fred Flinstone but I bet I can make your Bed Rock!

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 want to make a lampshade out of your skin… cause you light up my life!

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time out

Growing up, I can’t ever recall being spanked by my mother, (THAT WAS MY FATHER’S JOB) however I do recall the long drawn out lectures she would give me. I would practically beg for a quick spanking than to have to hear a ten minute story about what I had done wrong. This was back when standing in the corner was a frequent punishment. Now – a – days there is… TIME OUT.

I am not sure who came up with this idea. I have used the time out method on a foster child we had. He was so inventive, he could take a piece of paper and craft an army with it and play battle in the hall. He would take pieces of the carpet and make a rope. He actually enjoyed time outs so much I thought he got in trouble just to have alone time.

I know each child is different for lil sunshine thinks the world has ended if she has to do a time out. She will be silent for days afterwards, like she is punishing me back for doing such a thing to her.

But, as an adult, I enjoy my own time outs. That time when the world is silent and I am alone with my thoughts. I could vision a life of time out, but that seems alot like the monastaries that practice silence. Just food for thought.

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[to his teacher] “I’m 1 year old bitch but I KNOW not to take this note home.. this is an ass whoopin’ you’re pinning on my shirt.” — MIKE EPPS

“Do you realize that if the pilgrims have been chasing bobcats instead of turkeys.. we’d all be eating pussy on Thanksgiving?!” — Redd Foxx

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off –  don’t worry, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

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A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.”

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Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard.” Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after, all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

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take ‘time out’ to laugh today

wooden floors

I was putting in a wooden floor in a friend of mines house this last weekend. We did the whole living room and then took a break, to finish the rest the next day. I took my lil girl with me the next day and we walked into the house. She noticed right away that the carpet was gone. I told her I put the wood in the floor. She looked puzzled. She looked at the door then at the floor and then at me.

“How did you get the wood through the door?” She asked. She thought it was all one piece. She didn’t realize the wooden floor was put in one board at a time, she thought we some how carried the whole floor into the house and layed it down.

I did not know I had the ability to invent words… when I hit my finger with the hammer!

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Q: How did Pinocchio find out that he was made of wood?

A: His hand caught on fire.

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Why are husbands like hard wood flooring?

If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them.

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A man in a bar, after several drinks, began bragging that he could identify any type of wood by its smell only. The patrons of the bar decided to test him. The man was blindfolded and presented with several
pieces of wood.
First they tried maple. He smelled it and said, “That’s maple.”

They then tried ebony; he again smelled it and named the wood correctly.
He did this with ever piece of wood they brought before him.
The bartender then got an idea to trick him. And they took one of the waitresses and put her crotch up to his nose.

He sniffed for a while. “Boy,” he said “this is difficult, flip that board over and let me smell the other side.”
So they took they waitress and put her ass near his nose.
He took a big whiff, started to smile and said, “You guys can’t fool me! That is the shit house door from a tuna boat!”

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have a good day

“I might be old, but I am not dead!”

Old folk are as cute as little infants and just as much care is needed in caring for them. If you think about it there are a large number of day cares and a large number of senior citizen housing. I suppose the place for those in-between would be the bar?

I was watching the news last night and they claim that humans will be living ten-twenty years longer than average with the medical field advances in technology and health care. So if the retirement home industry is full it would be wise to invest in a senior citizen housing community.

I had a friend who worked at a home in another state and they told me the biggest problem they have is keeping these old timers apart. In other words they are worse than rabbits. They may not be able to remember their names but they haven’t forgotten how to … bumb the booty!

I have joked in the past that I wouldn’t mind going to heaven by way of intercourse but of course that would make it difficult for the wife. So, that is out. But I can only imagine working at one of these places and having to constantly tell them, “when your done… take your meds!” or… “Dinner time… oh, I see your already eating sausage, with-out your teeth I hope.” or.. “when ya’ll are done be sure to take a bath” or “save water bathe with a friend.”

What is the old saying? “I might be old, but I am not dead!”

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 A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, “What are you lining up for, dear?” Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

“Mmm, sounds lovely,” said Grandma. “I think I’ll have some myself,” she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. “But you’re so old… how do you do it?”

Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s quite easy, sonny… I just remove my dentures and suck ’em dry!”

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Never pass a bathroom

don’t waste a hard-on

and never trust a fart

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A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

“Grandpa, what are you doing?” he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

“Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?” he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, “Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck ….This was your Grandma’s idea.”

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An elderly woman went into the doctor’s office.

When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?”

The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.”

The doctor thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?”

The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night.”

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have a comical day

 

beauty is only skin deep

When I got home yesterday, it was late. My wife was on the computer and had to show me a joke she had found. I knew right away I wanted to post it on this blog.

It is about beauty. There are several sayings about beauty, like: beauty is only skin deep. So if this is true, then we only like the outer layers of people? I suppose it would be hard to kiss and love on a skeleton. Or; beauty is in the eye of the beholder. With that being said then pigs like the way a pig looks? Or is it they have no choice, all pigs look alike?

What about a skunk? Do skunks like the smell of other skunks? Or is it the stripe down the back that they are attractd to. It is not always beauty that attracts us to another, perhaps personality or sensuality or for the fact they make the other laugh. This is a very interesting topic for some how we all become attracted to something in another and become married or with some one because they have something we like or want. (grin)

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There was a guy in a grocery store, shopping with his wife. The guy sees that the beer is on sale for 10.oo$ for 24 beers so he puts it in the shopping cart.

His wife asks, “What are you doing?”

“The beer is on sale. It is a great price.” He replies.

“Put that beer away. Your not buying that today!” She barks. So the guy puts the beer back where he got it from.

A little ways farther in their shopping, the woman puts a small jar of cream in the buggy. The man asks, “What is this?”

“Beauty cream,” she replies. “It is on sale for twenty dollars and you want me to be beautiful… right?” The man thinks a moment then states.

“I could have made you beautiful for ten dollars worth of beer, half the price!”

Then there is a call over the loud speaker, “Clean up on isle seven!”

 

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have a beautiful day

 

2,011 fish

Well, it looks as though we made it through another year. 2011 was a good year for fishing, we (my wife and I… she is the fishing master) counted over 200 by June and stopped counting. There were many days that I came home and she had filled the ice chest with fish that day while I was at work. Or (I go to bed early and wake up at 4 am so she will turn the lights on and fish at night) and that morning there will be fish to clean before I go to work.

The river is just behind the house and I always invite Friends and co-workers to come over and fish. I recall a couple of funny events from last year…

Officer Rouse and a couple others came over one day and while we were fishing Ms. Rouse (my lil girl calls her Ms. Bling Bling, cause; she was given jewelry by her and she wears a fair amount of bling) any way, Ms. Rouse (Ms. Bling Bling) was having a hard time, she was getting her line stuck/ snagged on under-water logs several times.

She told me she was hung again and I took her pole and began to pull. The line went to the right, then to the left. I handed her the pole back and told her she was not stuck, she had a big fish on the line. She fought with the reel and got the fish in eventually, enough that I got a net under it and brought it in.

Here is the picture of me holding her fish and Officer Rouse (Ms. Bling Bling) who caught the fish and sent me this picture she got off her phone. This was a good day of fishing with Friends. I know we didn’t catch 2,011 fish but I bet we had more than that in smiles.

I was fishing at the prison with a good Friend, Mr. Little, on the ten acre pond. I had caught a nice size Bass and it had gotten hung up in the weeds. I didn’t pull and break the line, instead, I handed the pole to Jerry and went into the water after it. I got about knee deep when the local pond gator came over out of curiosity (a 12 foot alligator that came from the river, probably to lay her eggs). Mr. Little (Jerry) told me the gator was about thirty feet out.

I replied, “I’ll fight that gator for this fish,” cause by now I could see the fish and it was big. I went out about waist deep and the gator went under water. I was nervous but determined. I retrieved the bass and raised it up. It was an eight pound large mouth bass. Probably the biggest I have ever caught, a nice fish for 2011. Later the gator came and taste tested Jerry’s bobber but spit it out.

These are some good memories of fishing 2011, along with a 4 pound crappie I caught on the same pond with Sgt. Dudley at another time. I hope 2012 will be just as glamorous and prosperous as I will continue to fish and I will also be… fishin’ for chuckles.

Looking forward to fishing 2012.

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One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.

It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year-old had been staring at th e plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, “Good morning, Alex.”

“Good morning,” replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.

“What is this?” Alex asked.

“Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex’s voice was trembling and barely audible when he asked, “Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?”

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There was a man who one day didnt feel like going to church so he decided to go hunting instead.

He was out in the bush when he was aproched from behind by a bear. He dropped his gun by accident but didnt bother to pick it up.

He ran for his life. Weaving in and out the trees with the bear on his trail. Curving around a tree he triped over its root.

He looked up and the bear looked down. The bear was about to strike at him. He put his hands together and prayed:

“Dear lord, Please let this bear be a christian.”

the bear sat down on its bum and held the mans hands, closed his eyes and said: “Dear lord, Thankyou for the food that i am about to recieve”

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happy 2012

 

The metal karate belt

On the way to the store yesterday, the kids start asking about how old they have to be to date. They are eight and eleven. My wife tells the boy (her son- my step son) he can date at sixteen, when he can drive. She tells my little girl, that she can start dating when she is 30.

Of course my lil girl barks, “That ain’t fair.” My wife tells her she may reconsider if she got a Chastity belt. Of course my lil girls asks, “What is a chastity belt?”

I reply, “It is like a karate belt only made of metal.” She is quiet for a few moments then speaks up.

“What kind of karate do I have to do to earn a metal belt?” My wife and I laughed for awhile over that one. Once we get to the store and we are nearly done shopping, my wife tells me to go to the check out line, that she will meet us there. She needed to go and “pick up some plugs” (female hygiene product).

My lil girl asks, “Why does mommy need some bugs?” I laughed and told her she said, “Plugs!”

“Well. Why does she need plugs?” She asked. I told her they were like my ear plugs I use at work. She was content for a few minutes and then started asking more questions. That was when I said, “Oh, look… Christmas movies on sale.” It worked. I realized that her inquisitive little mind is working over time at her age.

and for my age… if you wear a Chastity belt and have to go to the bathroom? What do you do?

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All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend – “My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade.”
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted. A horseman approached. It was the knight’s best friend.
He yelss – “Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!”

 

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King Arthur was in Merlin’s work shop where Merlin was showing off his latest invention to King Arthur. It was a chastity belt except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place which made it generally useless.

“This is no good Merlin,” King Arthur stated. “Look at this large hole in the front. This will not protect my Queen while I am gone on a long quest.”

“Ah sire, but your lady will need to relieve herself while you are gone for long periods of time so I have made it where she can do so and watch this…” Merlin took an old and discarded wand from a table and placed it in the hole in the front of the chastity belt and a small guillotine blade came down and chopped the wand in half.

“This is perfect,” said Arthur and after placing Guenevere in the belt he then kissed her and went on a rather long quest, feeling his lady would be safe from loosing her honor.

A year later, King Arthur returned from his long quest to Camelot. He called for all his knights to assemble and had them disrobe to check their short swords. All the knights were either amputated or disfigured in some way except for Sir Galahad.

“Sir Galahad, you are my one true knight. Only you of all the noble knights have been true to your king and Queen. I shall grant you any wish. Just tell me what you wish and I shall see it fulfilled.”

With this, King Arthur soon learned that Sir Galahad had no tongue in which to speak with.

 

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have a safe day